DR DALE’S FINAL
WORDS OF WISDOM

As I reach the 70,000-word quota that I am contractually obligated to write, I realise that today we have merely scratched the surface of the information that you will need to know when planning on surviving the coming apocalypse.

There are so many things that have been left unsaid. How could you utilise a bag of multicoloured rubber bands to aid in your survival? Can you use a tea urn full of pears to treat psittacosis? If a zombie fell down in the woods and no one was there to hear it, would it make a casserole? What role would a battologist play in your team? What role would a battologist play in your team? And would it be possible to move the entire human race to Mars?

Some of these things we will never know. Some of these things we will, and some of these things we really don’t want to know the answer to. The important thing is not to dwell on what you haven’t learnt but think about what you have and adapt that knowledge to expand your survival skills s to suit any situation that may occur during an apocalypse. Without the capability to use your own common sense and come up with new and interesting ways to get through the dark days of the undead, I can assure you that you won’t survive. You will get bitten and you will reanimate and then rise again and then get killed again by a much better survivor than you who was able to adapt, use their common sense and came up with new and interesting ways to survive. And I didn’t spend three days on a beach in Malibu courtesy of my publishers writing this dictionary just for you to fail.

The twenty basic points listed overleaf are all you really need to remember if you plan on surviving a zombie apocalypse, which begs the question: why did you bother buying this book in the first place? Why not just nip into your local bookshop and steal this last page? It’s a good question and I shall answer it for you. You bought this book because you have a quest for knowledge. A yearning to learn all there is to know about surviving the days of pain that await the human race. You bought this book because you know that the apocalypse is coming and that I am your only hope of survival.

Stay safe. Stay alive. Stay unreanimated.

You could also have purchased this book for the £10 voucher on the next page that can be redeemed at any outlet of Big John’s Weapon Mart, but it’s highly likely that someone will have just nipped into their local bookshop and stolen the last page. Bastards. They’ll get theirs when the zombies rise.