AUTHORITIES

From all the research we have done into how people within positions of power and authority will react during a zombie apocalypse, we have garnered one singularly important piece of information: they will be of no help at all. Their complete ineptitude, ignorance and failure to accept the seriousness of the situation before it’s too late will no doubt lead to hundreds of thousands dying and being reanimated. So our advice is to not bother going anywhere near any person in a position of power, because you will end up dead.

Councils and Governments will nod sagely and tell us that everything is under control even when their offices are overrun and their secretaries are being gnawed on by the undead.

What do they have to worry about? They’ve got their own secret bunkers to dive into. And they probably started the whole thing anyway by sanctioning some deranged scientific experiment.

The Army will follow protocol to the letter. Trusting that their superiors know what’s going on they will quarantine infected areas leaving those who have not yet been bitten unable to escape. They will pay no attention to anyone who is trying to explain to them that their whole family has just been infected, and they will happily nuke entire cities just to keep the infection under control, with no regard for anyone who may still be alive inside. After all, what’s a little collateral damage between friends?

What do they have to worry about? They’ve got guns as standard issue. And they probably started the whole thing anyway through some deranged weapons experiment.

The Police will pat you on the head and tell you to run along home now, sonny, when you try and explain to them that the local shopping centre has been invaded by the undead. On subsequently learning the truth, they will incarcerate you and hold you to blame. They will immediately instigate martial law and kill anything that vaguely resembles a zombie. We are led to believe this is due to fear and panic, but really it’s because deep down they’re all power-crazed maniacs who are all fully paid-up members of the local fascist society.

They will pay no attention to anyone else’s advice and invariably get themselves killed en masse due to badly organised strike teams. They will most definitely set up a road block somewhere that consists of two police vehicles placed in a chevron formation and then hide behind their bonnets with a megaphone (one or both of these police vehicles will then subsequently explode).

What do they have to worry about? They’ve got the law on their hands. And they probably started the whole thing anyway by failing to spot and control the initial outbreak.

Secret Government and Non-Government Organisations will stay very much out of the way. They won’t even leave their office or secret laboratory. Ever. They will attempt to aid the other authorities by feeding them irrelevant information so that they don’t get the blame for the mass carnage that is occurring. They will be searching continually for a cure to the infection and will always be so close but so far.

What do they have to worry about? They have endless funding and resources and are securely locked away in their high-security offices. And they probably started the whole thing anyway, that being the kind of thing secret organisations do.

The Women’s Institute will call a meeting immediately to attempt to reschedule the jams and jellies social to a time when Marjorie isn’t chomping on her husband. They will try to find an alternative venue for the summer fête as the field they had planned to use is now overrun with the undead. They will realise that raffle prizes will now become more difficult to come by as shops are being looted by scavengers, and although they know that they will have to cancel their coach trip to Bognor, they will come up with an alternative social event to keep their members happy.

What do they have to worry about anyway? They probably started the whole thing…or perhaps not. Who knows though?