TROUSERS

Not wishing to be at all sexist, this segment can apply to any form of clothing worn on the bottom half of a human beIt is includes, but is not limited to, skirts, kilts, shorts, leggings, jeans, pantaloons and nappies. It was just easier to list it under the heading Trousers as it saved me the trouble of listing all the other possible leg adornments which I actually did anyway. Please note, then, that when I refer to ‘trousers’ or ‘pants’ in the following paragraphs it will also include (but is not limited to) all the other items listed above.

‘Being caught with one’s pants/trousers down’ is an old saying that means you have been caught unawares doing something – it is also an old song by AC/DC that can be utilised in your prebattle soundtrack (see Soundtrack). Imagine, though, if you were literally caught with your trousers down (or indeed off) when the zombies attacked your safe house. Perhaps you were in bed? Perhaps you were on the toilet? Maybe you just decided to give your legs some air, or were partaking in a thigh-measuring contest with the rest of your team (Eton rules of thigh-measuring contests require you to remove any clothing from your legs as thicker materials can give a false positive reading)? Whatever the reason, you have no pants on – what would you do?

On hearing the undead breaking down the door, most people’s initial reaction would be to grab a pair of pants and pull them on. But let’s consider the facts here. The zombies are at your door. Do you really have time to start pulling on your best chinos? Is that really the best use of your time when corpses are invading your house?

Test the theory. Remove your pants now and place them at the other side of the room. Now, see how long it takes you to put them on. Now pick up your weapon and prepare to fight. How long did that take? Thirty-five minutes! What do you mean thirty-five minutes…? Oh… OK, well, how long would it have taken if you hadn’t realised Emmerdale was on and you stopped to watch it? You don’t know? You’re not taking this very seriously, are you? I’ll tell you how long. Our tests showed it could take someone up to two minutes to put on a pair of pants (longer if they were a tight-fitting pair of skinny jeans) and that is time that is wasting whilst the zombies get in.

There are many situations where pants are important and even a necessity: going to work, popping to the shops, giving a talk at your local primary school about traffic safety. But what real use is a pair of trousers when fighting zombies? Trousers don’t imbue you with extra power; trousers won’t scare the zombies away; they don’t have special armour built into them (unless they are armoured pants – in which case my argument becomes somewhat moot).

The bottom line is that you don’t need trousers to fight zombies. So next time you are caught with your trousers down, leave it that way. Just be glad you still have your underpants on (or, so as not to be sexist, knickers).