INSANITY

It is a real shame, but with all the death, destruction, chaos and flesh-eating that’s going on during the apocalypse there will be some people whose minds won’t be able to cope. That little elastic band in their psyche that holds it all together will go ping and snap, sending them spiralling into a world of insanity. This will make them neither use nor ornament in the battle against the undead.

You may be able to halt the progression of some people’s mental breakdown by following the couselling advice laid out in the counselling segment. Those who are beyond help will either need to be disposed of swiftly or used as a distraction to facilitate your own escape. Here are a few examples of the insanity you may encounter during a zombie apocalypse:

It’s not happening

This form of insanity may seem quite mild, but it is highly dangerous as the person suffering believes that life is continuing as normal. Therefore, they will happily leave doors wide open, they will play live music and they will treat members of the undead like normal human beings and invite them in for tea and crumpets. When this form of insanity manifests itself, the person suffering is not always beyond redemption and you may be able to snap them out of their trance. If you cannot then just ask them to nip down the newsagents and pick you up twenty Bensons. It’s unlikely you’ll ever see them again – and if you do, you’ll have fags. Bonus!

The screamy shouter

Complete bellowing madness with all the wailing, moaning, thrashing and spitting that you would imagine would occur when total breakdown hits. The stress of the situation will force the sufferer to attempt to expel some of the tension they are feeling through screaming very loudly and foaming at the mouth. It is not too hard to see why it would be dangerous to have a screamer alongside you in an apocalyptic situation. Once this level of lunacy has been reached electrotherapy and a straight jacket is what’s needed and you won’t have time for that. Hit them with a spade. Hard.

Catatonia

It would be lovely to have Cerys Matthews with you when the undead rise. She could sing you to sleep at night with her haunting rendition of ‘Mulder and Sculley’. Unfortunately we’re talking about a different kind of catatonia. The kind where the sufferer will exhibit complete loss of motor functions and show ignorance of any external stimuli. Depending on the level of the problem this could come in fits and starts and manifest as a series of blackouts for the patient, or it could be constant. Either way, the last thing you need during battle is for the person fighting by your side to suddenly go catatonic.

Killing a catatonic person is not always your only option, though. Depending on the level of rigidity in their body when they lose motor function, it may be possible to use them as part of a barricade, a battering ram or a draught excluder, should the wind be creeping in under your door.

I am Spartacus

The belief that they are someone else completely can sometimes overcome a person, meaning that they themselves do not have to cope with the situation they are in. This could be manifested as multiple personalities or with the sufferer believing they are Admiral Lord Nelson, the Queen, Spartacus or Buck Rogers.

If they believe that they are someone relatively normal then this is sometimes absolutely no problem to deal with as you would treat them like any other person who you were attempting to survive with. The difficulties occur if they believe that they are imbued with super powers or happen to have become God. In this case, you need to get rid of them as soon as possible before they open the door to your safe house believing that they can keep everyone safe. It won’t be too difficult to rid yourself of the problem. Just tell them to go and fly off the roof or use their cloak of invisibility to pass unseen through a horde, or make the zombie masses part like Moses did with the Red Sea. Either way, you can use their supposed power to be their ultimate downfall.

Undead-lover

These weirdos must have made some really bad relationship decisions in the past, because when the dead rise they will see them as some kind of holy thing to be worshipped and adored. The only thing you have to worry about with these idiots is that they close the door on their way out to give their dearest undead a hug and get themselves killed.

Chomper

The worst form of insanity is if someone actually believes they are a zombie when they are not; that by becoming their nemesis they will become safe from it. This is in no way similar to emulation (see Emulation). They will not just pretend to be a zombie; they will become a zombie just without being dead. They will try and bite you and they will seem impervious to pain (their mental state will cause them to block their pain receptor. They will however be affected eventually – the human body can only take so much. The plus side to this is, unlike real zombies, you don’t have to go for the head shot and they will be disposed of quite easily, leaving you to carry on living a life of quiet normality and battling the undead.