WASTE DISPOSAL
This is one of those things that generally goes under the radar when considering how to survive a zombie apocalypse. During the training and planning stages people focus solely on how they are going to keep on living and kill all the zombies simultaneously.
But within this never ending circle of survival there are also the menial tasks that need to be addressed and this is a task that could ultimately cause some problems.
In our everyday life, it has become somewhat routine to empty the bins on the assigned day and just wait for the bin men to come and pick up any waste that we have amassed over the week. During an apocalypse there will be no bin men.
So where will all the rubbish go? You can’t leave it lying around the safe house, as this will cause hygiene problems and disease amongst your team.
It is also not too clever an idea to just dump it out of a window to land in the streets below as the same rules of hygiene apply. Plus, over time, the waste product will start to smell, making your safe house unliveable.
An ever-increasing pile of rubbish outside your safe house can also cause two other possible problems: Firstly, other survivors may spot the ‘fresh’ rubbish and be alerted to your safe house; and they may not be the kind of survivors you want discovering your location.
Secondly, over time the pile of rubbish will get bigger and bigger and bigger meaning that eventually the undead may be able to scale the rubbish heap and access your safe house through the window you’ve been throwing it out of.
You also don’t really have the option of sending one of your team out to dump the rubbish at a safe distance away, as you don’t want to risk the life of one of your team purely with the job of putting the bins out. You can’t burn the rubbish either as this may attract the attention of the undead. So? What do you do?
Recycle! That’s the only thing you can possibly do. Yup. What our rather pointless councils have been using as a smokescreen to confuse us into ignoring the larger and more important issues over the years could be the only way to stop your safe house turning into a cesspool of disgust.
Some Useful Tips On Recycling:
Firstly, any paper or card can be used to insulate your walls and windows and can even be used as an extra layer of covers for when you are sleeping at night (if it’s good enough for drug-addicted homeless people then it’s good enough for you).
Tin cans and metal containers can be turned into weapons (have you ever cut your finger on a soup can lid? They are lethal!)
With regards to food waste, there shouldn’t be any of that, not if you are truly intent on surviving. You should be munching through every last item on your plate. Even the sprouts.
The only other item of waste to consider after that is human waste, and it may be prudent to consider that the flush facility may become inoperable during a zombie apocalypse meaning that you won’t be able to dispose of your waste as easily as you first anticipated. Not wishing to get into poo too deeply (ahem), there are two possible solutions to this problem.
- You could go down the route of ‘humanure’ whereby you recycle your own waste product to be used at a later date to help grow new foodstuffs in your cellar. Do bear in mind, though, that it can take up to two years for human waste to break down into purely organic matter which can be used for composting. During that time you will have buckets of poo standing around covered in sawdust or straw (which apparently reduces the odour according to the Humanure Handbook (available to download online in multiple languages).
- You could utilise your other waste products to construct a rudimentary slingshot (e.g. an empty baked beans tin within a large crisp bag). You can then catapult your waste product from the roof of your safe house to a reasonable distance away. As long as you are not spotted, any zombie that may be alerted by the noise the tin of poo makes when it lands will not have the mental capacity to work out where it came from, leaving your safe house uncompromised. And in a best-case scenario you may hit one of the undead blighters on the head.
Frankly, I would be more inclined to go with the second option regarding the disposal of human waste, but if you really do feel like doing your bit to save the planet by all means surround yourself with containers of human waste for months on end. The one consolation is that should other survivors discover where you are hidden, they certainly won’t want to invade your sanctuary – unless it’s Kim and Aggie. Then you’ll be in trouble.