BACTERIA

In 1998 an American scientist calculated that the number of bacteria on earth was 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. One can assume from this man’s findings that:

1. in over ten years this figure has increased and
2. this man never got much sex.

So, how will this very long number affect us when attempting to survive a zombie apocalypse? Bacteria will be both our best friend and possibly our worst enemy during these dark times.

There are good bacteria and there are bad bacteria (for proof of this, speak to Mr Yakult). Unfortunately, we are more likely to encounter the bad bacteria (the likes of which cause tetanus, typhoid fever, diphtheria, syphilis, cholera, food-borne illness, leprosy, tuberculosis and other life-threatening illnesses) than the good bacteria (like Lactobacillus and Lactococcus that make cheese).

With society on its knees, medicines are going to become scarce so we will be more susceptible. There is not much you can do about this other than to take simple precautions such as: ensuring you and your sanctuary are kept clean; if you do suffer injuries, attempt to sterilise them; and if food begins to spoil get rid of it. Should you, however, discover a way in which to destroy all bacteria I implore you – DON’T. Bacteria is also our greatest natural asset in the war against zombies. It is bacteria that makes them rot.

Although this may seem like a rather time-consuming way to defeat the undead, bear in mind that given the right conditions (hotter climate) and with the help of insects, a human body can rot away to just bone in anywhere between 50 and 365 days. So, with the help of bacteria, it will all just be a case of bedding down and waiting for our inevitable victory! With a wine and cheese celebration afterwards.