HUMAN REMAINS

Not really a nice thing to think about, but as some of you may be aware, there is the possibility that people will die during a zombie apocalypse, and although there are cases where these dead bodies will riombgain, eventually, once you’ve done your brain-destroying business, there will be a corpse that has to be dealt with.

There may be some of you that believe that once a corpse is down for good it is no longer a threat and can be left to rot in the streets as you continue on your merry way. Consider, though, several facts. If this is a viral or genetic zombie outbreak the infection that causes zombification could still be present in the inert body, meaning that anyone who comes into contact with it will become infected. Also, prior to being transformed into a member of the shambling undead, this creature was actually a human just like you. Do they really deserve to have their body left in the middle of the street for feral animals to gnaw on and maggots and flies to live in?

That was a trick question – of course they should be left there! Don’t tell me you had started to show a little compassion at this stage? We’ve already ascertained that we should be selfish towards the living, so why on earth should we really give a rat’s patootie about a pile of degrading meat and bones? Let the blighter rot!

There is still the option of infection to consider, though – and the only way to deal with that is through fire, corrosive substances or concrete. Burial is not an option because then you would have to come in close contact with the body (you may already have come in close contact with the body during battle in which case, oops. Hand-to-hand fighting with zombies isn’t really a clever thing to do). The body must be destroyed or inaccessible to any other survivors to avoid the zombie virus spreading any further.

Concrete can be a time-consuming affair what with having to mix it up and wait for it to dry, and unless you have killed the zombie in a DIY centre you are unlikely to want to lug bags of cement across town just to set a corpse in stone.

Corrosive substances are the better option, but they are notoriously difficult to come by – especially the level of substance you require to dissolve an entire body at any great speed. So that just leaves fire. Fire is the easiest and most convenient way of disposing of a body, but it is also the most dangerous as the smoke will likely attract zombies to the location of the bonfire and the flames may get out of control and cause major destruction in the particular area of town you are in. Your choices are rather limited, though. The best option is to prepare for a quick retreat, cremate the body and just keep your fingers crossed that it won’t burn down half the city (although the great fire of London in 1666 did help to eradicate the great plague of the time so who knows, you may be doing the world a favour).

Should you have ended up with a corpse inside your very own safe house due to some strange twist of fate (home invasion or a team member transforming), unless you have concrete or corrosive substances in your house, then presume your location has been compromised and go and find somewhere else to stay. You cannot set fire to a corpse in the middle of your own home. If you are trapped inside due to zombie hordes then find some way to keep the body away from other survivors by locking off the room the corpse is in.

Of course there are situations in battle (e.g. when you have to make a hasty retreat) where you will be incapable of destroying the bodies, so don’t feel too bad if you leave a pile of corpses in your wake. At the end of the day it may not even be a viral or genetic zombie virus anyway, meaning that the corpses aren’t harmful to anyone. In which case, if you do have the time you should do what any thoughtfu, compassionate human being would do in this situation and give them a decent burial. Nah. I’m joking again. You should loot the body of anything valuable and then be on your way to the next corpse (after spitting on it first).