CLOTHING

I have never pretended to be any sort of fashion guru – even though I have been asked on numerous occasions for advice on what’s hot and what’s not – but as a rule of thumb I would categorically state ‘If it ain’t clashin, it’s not fashion’. So bear that in mind when next perusing the racks at your local Primark. However, I do have some advice on what to wear during a zombie apocalypse:

Go tight

The tighter fitting the clothes are, the better. This will give the undead less to grab onto should you be stuck in a ‘hand-to-hand’ situation. The best possible option is a wet-look unitard as the slippery surface will also ensure that you are able to slide, snakelike, from the grasp of any clawing hands.

Neutral colours

A zombie’s perception and peripheral vision is likely to operate in much the same way as it did when they were alive. It is also wise to remember that although the undead may have heightened predatory senses we shouldn’t imbue them with a supernatural sixth sense that they are unlikely to possess. It is therefore recommended that you wear unobtrusive colours that are less likely to be spotted should you have to hide quickly: darker colours at night, urban colours during the day, pastels in the spring, browns and beiges in the autumn months.

This choice of colour also works for protecting yourself from other survivors who will be able to spot you in a retro Eighties neon pink tank top from several miles away. They’ll have shot that crossbow bolt into your head before you get anywhere close enough to let them know you are not a zombie.

Remember what your mum said

Always make sure you’re wearing clean underwear – you may get hit by a bus. And although I always thought my mother was a little bit twisted for saying this (my grandfather was killed by a herd of stampeding buses) she was ultimately right. Buses aren’t the issue here, though. It is the zombie plague that we are dealing with and should you die, It is highly likely you will rise again (unless you have very good friends – see Euthanasia) and I very much doubt that the first thing that enters a person’s mind on seeing a zombie is ‘I wonder if they have clean pants on’.

However, you must ensure that the basics of hygiene are followed in order for you to attract the best mates when it is time to repopulate the world, and wearing undergarments that are solid enough to crush a zombie’s skull is not the best way to go about attracting a perfect mate.

I know you’re thinking that water will be sparse and it will be difficult to wash yourself, let alone your clothing, but that is no excuse. In every populated area you encounter there will be homes and stores with a surplus of clothing so you will be able to change on a regular basis. Even if you are overly fond of your Iron Maiden tour crop top you are going to have to let it go eventually.

Don’t be stupid

There are two polar opposite trains of thought in the clothing debate that are both as stupid as each other and should be disregarded without a second thought.

The first one is to wear as many clothes as possible, thus forming a protective layer of fabric around yourself to make it harder for zombies to bite through. Is it really logical to think that a zombie that can bite through gristle and flesh will be halted in its tracks by a few layers of thick-knit wool? If you are going to allow a zombie to get close enough to bite you, then he will bite you no matter what you are wearing. And I doubt very much you will be able to ve quickly enough to run away or attack him in six jumpers, two hoodies, nine T-shirts, a swimsuit, three pairs of dungarees and a duffle coat.

The second of these ridiculous theories is to be completely naked. The theory is that by wearing nothing you will give your attacker nothing to grab onto. Firstly, I’m sure the men reading this can see the potential element for risk in this plan, and secondly, it’s all well and good being naked in the confines of your own home whilst you’re doing the ironing and Coronation Street is on TV but this is a zombie apocalypse we’re talking about here! You may have to run for your life at any minute through streets littered with rubble and glass and people’s entrails and drawing pins. It’s just not practical! And don’t even get me started on those people who also advocate covering themselves with a layer of grease so it’s harder for the zombies to grab onto…