WILDCRAFTING
What was once the simple art of foraging in the wild for edible plants has now become a minefield of ethical and ecological legislation and laws that could land you in more trouble than eating the wrong kind of mushroom. You would imagine that all of these laws about preventing the extinction of certain species, retargeting what you sow and ensuring sustainability will become null and void whence the dead do rise and begin eating us, but you can guarantee – irrespective of the calamity to hit earth – there will always be some bleeding heart tree- hugger knocking about spouting on about the error of our ways, the raping of the planet and how we must leave this earth the way we would want our children to find it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a suggestion should you come across one of these jolly sorts on your travels, hit them with a shovel.
As it stands, I completely believe that the human race is doing a damn fine job of buggering up the planet what with its continual urbanisation, pollution, global warming and sucking the land dry of all its natural resources whilst giving little or no regard to any other living creature in the process.
In fact, I can state with pretty much 100% certainty that mankind will in no small way be to blame for the rising of the dead due to one or all of the reasons listed above. I also think that these people who I previously referred to as ‘bleeding heart tree-huggers’ have a very valid point to make (which would be made more effectively by them if they shaved occasionally, washed once or twice and didn’t wear hessian all the time) and god bless them for trying to get us all to come to our senses about the mess we’re making of this planet we call home. But, once the apocalypse begins I’m afraid that it’s every man for himself and sod the humble dandelion.
The tree-huggers’ aim is to prevent species becoming extinct. So, by eating a dandelion, I am actually protecting the human race from extinction. You’d think that would please them, that they’d thank me for the effort I’m making to save myself and thus mankind? But no, you can guarantee that they will harp on about sustainability (they love the word sustainability – almost as much as they love the word ecostructure, and they love that word a lot) that is why they need to be hit with a shovel and then fed with that very same shovel to the zombies. The undead also need sustaining so that they don’t become extinct too. It’s the circle of life my tree-huggy friends. For one species to survive, another species must become dinner and I can assure you although I make my donations regularly to Greenpeace and WWF (World Wildlife Fund, not World Wrestling Federation – John Cena does not need my money), come the apocalypse, if the need arises I would roast a giant panda over an open fire and serve him up with side order Arakan forest turtle if it ensured I would survive.
Note: In the event a giant panda is unavailable, nettles, wild rose and Japanese knotweed are also edible and a lot less endangered.