CLASSIFICATION

As discussed in the Introduction, there are four distinct classes of zombies. These are each broken down into further subclasses and then broken down into even more subclasses. In fact, ultimately there are so many different classes and subclasses of zombies that you could fill a whole book with them (which incidentally will be coming soon entitled Dr Dale’s Classes, Subclasses and Sub-subclasses of Zombies – a Whole Book Full of Them). But for now we will deal with the four main classes just to keep it simple.

Supernatural Zombie

Created by: Death

Points of interest: The apocalypse that starts for no apparent reason! And quite possibly the worst kind of zombie apocalypse to be caught in as it will never end. It’s not just the bites that cause reanimation – every single person who dies will eventually reanimate. Whether they were hit by a bus, fell out of a window, accidentally stabbed themselves in the eye with a spoon whilst eating breakfast or got knocked by a bus out of a window face down onto a spoon, they will come back as zombies.

Even those who die of natural causes will ultimately reanimate – which means if you have a 21-gun salute at your funeral it would be wise for the mourners to aim the barrel directly at your head.

Genetic Zombie

Created by: A genetic mutation causes death and reanimation in the host human due to radiation, experimentation, weird gas or space dust. Will only affect the living and not the previously dead as the mutation should only occur in living cells, so no need to worry about Great-great-great Uncle Roger clawing his way out of his grave.

Points of interest: Generally speaking most zombies will look like your normal everyday walking dead human as the genetic mutations will have occurred to the organs inside the body (most likely the brain). But, in the case of Genetic zombies, the ‘super-powered’ zombie although unlikely, cannot be discounted. In this scenario the genetic mutation causes the zombie to become super-powered, psychokinetic, large, almost invincible and mutated.

This is a less likely eventuality but one you should still allow for in your training as we cannot completely discount the idea that we may come face to face with a big, round zombie that explodes bile all over the place when you shoot it. Or a huge, leather, S&M-clad behemoth who grunts the word ‘Stars’ at opportune moments just to warn you he’s coming. If you were to come up against him then throw this book away and go and find a very big gun.

Parasitic Zombie

Created by: An external host takes over the body of the human, kills them, and uses their body to sate the creature’s blood lust. Can affect both the living and the previously dead as the parasite is only operating the body like a puppet – like Rod Hull used Emu – although Emu didn’t try and kill you…much.

Points of interest: There are two different kinds of parasite: the first will conceal itself inside the body of the human and will be unseen; the second will attach itself to the outside of the body – generally somewhere on the spine or on top of the head like a jaunty hat. The reason the headshot is important in this case is that the brain will be what the parasite needs to control the body. This does not necessarily mean that the parasite will die immediately when the brain is destroyed so you will need to be extra vigilant in looking for bloodthirsty little parasites running around trying to find a new host.

It also means you’ll have to find a way to kill them too. (I can’t help you with that one. This is the Zombie Dictionary – not the Parasite Dictionary. Try stamping on them or using salt – it works on slugs.)

Viral Zombie

Created by: A virus – the clue is somewhat in the name (the infection can also be bacterial, but it seems pedantic to have two separate classifications for what is essentially the same thing).

Points of interest: Probably the most likely cause of the apocalypse – the virus will attack the human immune system shutting down all internal organs until only the brain is operating on a primal blood lust. On the plus side, like the genetic zombie, the virus will only affect the living, but on the down side it is likely that the virus will not just be transmitted by bites – it may be airborne or caught by touching someone who is infected. Back to the plus side again, though – there may be those who are naturally immune – but once more to the negative – they could still be carriers and infect other non-immune living who will eventually get on a helicopter to Europe and infect Paris with the zombie plague. Hmmmm – that turned into a positive again.