EMOTION

During an apocalypse, one of the major disadvantages we will have as humans (unless you’re not human – maybe you’re a dolphin and if so kudos to you for taking the next step in your evolution and learning to read) is that we will have to deal with our emotions.

Anger may send you running into a horde of zombies with nothing but a tea strainer to exact revenge for the death of a loved one. Love may stop you from sticking that pitchfork in your wife’s head once you’ve discovered that she’s been bitten. Fear may make you wet yourself and the only store where you can get replacement trousers could be infested with zombies meaning you have to survive without pants.

We must learn to control our emotions (I don’t mean quash them either as that will just cause ambivalence which is equally as self-destructive; you will hinder your survival if you don’t care). You must put that tea strainer to better use and make a nice calming cup of tea and learn to channel your anger into a positive force for destruction so that you can plan well-formulated attacks. Realise that the greatest gift of love you can give your wife is to plunge that garden implement into her head. And you must see that although your fear is not irrational, allowing it to control your bowels is never a positive thing.

Focus on the positive emotions that will help you through these dark days: feel a twinge of anticipation that you are finally able to use your years of training; feel a great sense of responsibility knowing that you can beat this apocalypse; and maybe, just maybe, you’ll even feel slightly aroused too (but each to their own).