WEAPONS

Throughout this dictionary you have been taught one simple fact about weaponry and that is that anything can be used as a weapon. With that in mind I am not going to list all items that could be used, as that would just involve a very long list and you may as well just buy a real dictionary and look through all the nouns because every single one of them can be used as a weapon in some form or another.

Instead, I’m going to go through the subgroups of weapons to give you a better idea of how each of these nouns can be operated for maximum devastation and effectiveness.

Long range

Long-range weapons are those that cause damage without you having to be near your victim. These fall into two simple categories: targeted and non-targeted.

Long-range weapons such as guns, crossbows and missile launchers tend to have some form of crosshair or targeting system on them meaning that they are liable to be more effective in hitting your intended zombie.

The disadvantage of these weapons is that they are generally two-part weapons – in other words, they require ammunition to operate. The non-targeted long-range weapon is one that can be propelled towards a zombie but does not have a targeting system, so in order to be effective it requires skill or luck. Such weapons include spears, rocks, clocks, pens, chairs, books – in fact, anything that you are strong enough to pick up and throw. These items can also be used in conjunction with a catapult, either the kind Minnie the Minx used in the Beano or the one the French used to throw the cow in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (thus showing the effectiveness of anything being used as a weapon).

Medium range

These are non-propulsion weapons that will cause damage to your victim up to a range of between 3 and 6 feet, including gems such as scythes, spears, big pointy sticks, whips, lengths of chain, fishing rods, coat stands and standard lamps.

They are generally useless once your attacker gets too close, purely due to the length and the manoeuvrability. However, with quick thinking these can be broken down or grasped further down the shaft in order to cope with closer attacks.

Melee

Close combat weapons. Although allowing a member of the undead to get too close to you is inadvisable due to the risk of infection it is always handy to keep a melee weapon on you. A melee weapon will generally fit in your pocket or on your belt and is effective at short-range strikes (e.g. katana, kitchen knife, hammer, rock, candle-stick or lead piping).

Stabbing

The stabbing weapon has a point and is able to puncture. The point does not have to be metal and it could be glass, wood or even plastic whittled to a point. The focus of choosing a good stabbing weapon is whether the point will be able to penetrate a skull. It is all well and good choosing an item with a weak blade and planning to go through the eye socket or ear, but what if you miss? You may only get one chance at this.

Bludgeoning

The easiest weapon to find, as all you do is hold it in your hand and strike down on the zombie’s head. As with the stabbing weapons, the focus with this weapon is whether the striking force would be strong enough to crush a zombie’s head in one blow. A stuffed womble can be used as a bludgeoning weapon, but it may take one or two strikes in order to break through the skull and destroy the brain.

Live

Animals can be used as weapons, but remember when sending a dog to attack a zombie that the zombie will probably eat the dog. More effective live weapons are pools of piranhas and those beetles that they use in CSI and Bones to strip corpses of dead flesh. If a zombie fell into a pit of those it would be stripped bare in a day and will no longer be a threat (just don’t fall in yourself). You can also class throwing your little sister at a zombie as both a long-range and live weapon.

Damage

Damage weapons will not be capable of doing the job of destroying a zombie’s brain, but may slow the zombie down in order to facilitate your own escape. Explosives fall into this category (see Explosives) along with any weapon that may decapitate or remove limbs from the zombie but not kill it. A huge bag of stuffed wombles dropped on the zombie thus burying him would also be classed as a damage weapon as it will slow him down leaving you time to escape.

Slow-acting

Weapons that will kill a zombie, but not immediately. You will need to be at a safe distance or have a quick escape route planned in order to use these weapons. Corrosive acid burning through a skull takes time but will ultimately do the job. Although fire is a hazardous option for you to use as a weapon (see Fire) it will eventually burn a zombie away to nothing so is therefore very useful.

Pointless weapons

Although it is possible to use absolutely anything as a weapon, sometimes it does take time to come up with a reasonable plan to turn the items in your possession into zombie killing mechanisms. Bearing that in mind, there’s no need for you to carry a box of confetti and a bottle of Ribena with you just because I told you that anything can be used as a weapon. It is much better to arm yourself sensibly in the first instance and only become inventive when the need really arises. Then you can make your confetti-Ribena killing machine – can’t think how, although I bet the A-Team could. Or MacGyver.