QUESTIONNAIRE
We’re over halfway through the book now, so let’s see what you’ve learnt so far in this short but revealing questionnaire. Answer as truthfully and honestly as possible and don’t cheat by looking at the answers first.
Question One
You are sitting outside having a skinny latte and chocolate muffin at an Italian style patisserie in the middle of an urban area when you receive word that the dead have started to rise. What is the first thing you do?
- Finish your coffee and muffin. You haven’t paid £7.30 for the privilege of sitting in this trumped up café for your beverage and very small snack to go to waste.
- Leap onto the table screaming ‘The dead are coming! The dead are coming!’ whilst rubbing your muffin into your hair and pouring your latte down the front of your trousers.
- Hide
Question Two
You have overcome the first few days of the apocalypse and must now find a place to set up a permanent safe house. Which of the following options is the most sensible?
- I’ll be able to think more clearly when I’ve finished my latte and muffin.
- The top floor of a high-rise block of flats.
- A teepee.
Question Three
A zombie has spotted you and has started to shamble towards you intent on taking a large bite out of your face and turning you into one of its undead friends. What do you do?
- For God’s sake! Can I not finish this damn muffin in peace?
- Run away and hide. You can outrun a zombie while close combat could result in you being bitten.
- A teepee.
Question Four
You have secured yourself in a safe house when a small, dirty and bloodied child comes knocking and crying and asking you for help. What should you do?
- Allow the child safe passage through your kingdom on the condition they answer three riddles correctly.
- Turn the child away. You cannot afford to put yourself at risk.
- Eat the child.
Question Five
You have been bitten by a zombie. What should you do?
- Bite the bugger back! That’ll teach him!
- Immediately kill yourself by destroying your own brain so you do not rise again.
- Become enraged and disorientated and climb to the top of the empire state building whilst holding onto Faye Wray as biplanes attempt to shoot you down.
Question Six
Is there a cure for the zombie virus?
- Yes.
- No.
- A teepee.
What this questionnaire tells you:
Mostly As
You are a strong-minded individual who doesn’t mind using their sexual power to get what they want. But being a little bit flirty and a little bit dirty isn’t always the best way to gain friends. Try using a gentler, more understanding approach and you may be pleasantly surprised at the reaction you get.
Mostly Bs
Your perfect partner is someone who will love you for who you are. They will be able to give as good as they get whilst still getting as good as they give. They will stroke your hair whilst reading the sonnets of Shakespeare to you on cold winter nights. They will love Italian food, French cinema and Spanish wine. They will be honest and loving and not be too rash with financial decisions. They will be ginger.
Mostly Cs
A teepee.