FIGHTING STYLE
There are many different fighting styles that can be adopted when attempting to fend off a member of the undead. Realistically, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, many of these styles will be replaced by you manically swiping at your attacker with a blunt instrument whilst screaming insanely.
It is worth noting, though, for those of you who do manage to keep your cool during a zombie apocalyp, that the majority of fighting styles don’t take into account a zombie’s primary weapon: its mouth.
A zombie will attack with its mouth and grab with its hands. It will not punch, kick, roundhouse, forward roll, fly like a butterfly or sting like a frog. Its primary goal is to get a part of your body into its mouth and that is where some fighting styles will fall short – mainly because biting and grabbing are seen as illegal moves and a little bit girly. Hence, if you were ring-fighting professionally, the bout would have been halted and the person biting would have had a finger wagged at them (we all know that if you wagged a finger at a zombie you would get it bitten off so don’t be thinking of trying that).
What is also frowned upon in many fighting styles is multiple head shots. This can lead to brain damage of your opponent – which when fighting a zombie is pretty much the point. With this in mind you need to be able to adapt your fighting styles to be most effective.
FIGHTING RULES
- Avoid being bitten.
- Avoid being grabbed – and if you are grabbed, escape whilst following point one and attempting point three.
- Destroy the brain whilst carrying out both points one and two.
- Doing point one, point two and point three all at the same time can effectively be called point four.
- There is no point five unless you want to incorporate point four into the other three points thus making the need for a further point, but if that were the case we could just continue to bullet point the points we had already made in order to make pointless points so disregard this point.
FIGHTING TALK
No matter what your fighting style, it is always good to use as much profanity as possible. It’s the done thing. You should swear and insult with such vehemence that you spit whilst you are doing it. Do not worry about the noise you are making either. Once a zombie has you and starts growling others will be attracted anyway and a good bit of swearing can pump you up enough to finish the zombie off quicker and escape before his friends arrive. PLEASE note that words like ‘poo’, ‘bottom’, ‘nipple’ and ‘flip’ do not class as swearing.
All other moves you incorporate into your own personal fighting style will be purely for show – and frankly a zombie isn’t going to be impressed if you can kick a lighted cigarette from his mouth whilst standing on a bottle of beer, so what’s the use of adding razzle-dazzle if it’s only going to be as effective as flailing about with a hammer and swearing very loudly?