CUTLERY
This is the easiest and most accessible form of weapon. Most houses, flats, apartments, shops, farms and florists boast at least one of the three basic items of cutlery. They are also small, light, easy to carry and multifunctional too (should the need arise you could even use them for eating food).
Contrary to popular belief, the most effective weapon in a cutlery set is not the knife. These can often be blunt with rounded edges (unless it is a posh cutlery set with a steak knife, but don’t bank on that). If given the option of only one implement, we advise on choosing the fork. The blades will e forointier and they can also be bent and used for picking locks, prying open cupboards, cleaning fingernails and drawing three equal-spaced lines in sand.
If left with only a spoon, reverse the item and poke the handle through eye sockets for maximum effect.
OTHER USEFUL ITEMS OF CUTLERY
SPORK – spoon/fork
SPIFE – spoon/knife
KNORK – knife/fork
SPLAYD – all three
FLUDPT – don’t know
One wonders if the person who invented these should not have spent their time more wisely. Perhaps by killing themselves and thus doing their family and the world a favour.