HELL

When there is no more room in hel, the dead will walk the earth. It’s therefore safe to assume that hell won’t top the list of best places to be when the apocalypse begins. And the fact that it’s so overcrowded will probably make the dead down there even more vicious and angry than the ones who are wandering around on earth. They’ll probably keep jostling each other when they’re trying to have a sip of their coffee meaning that they’ll have Nescafé all down their shirts and tere’s nothing more frustrating than that. And what makes it worse is there’s nowhere in hell to get new clothes (although I believe there are plans to build a Primark down there).

On the other hand, if the dead are shuffling round in hell and on earth, this should mean that heaven is probably quite safe. Although I think the requirements for getting into heaven are quite strict. You’ve got to have two references and a utility bill at least.

To be honest, you’re probably best staying away from most theological locations – stick to finding a nice bunker or revolving sky restaurant to bed down in. Besides, you don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of getting into heaven only to have your eyes burnt out and your brain melted purely for looking upon God. Mind you, before that happens you could always ask him why the bloody hell he’s let the undead invade earth. And why he keeps letting Noel Edmunds back onto the telly.