GAMING

Specifically, gaming that involves a console and not gaming that requires you to sit at a dining room table wearing a plastic replica helmet pretending that you’re Bladmor the invisible wizard from the realm of Juggerjuggerjuggersadlife.

Unlike most survival manifestos for the coming apocalypse, we fully advocate the use of video gaming as part of your training routine. It has been shown that along with regular exercise and occasional forays into fresh air, console gaming can increase hand-eye coordination, reaction time and stamina. Just ensure that you train by playing relevant games and do not lose your focus on facts and reality. It may be a great deal of fun to pretend to be a small fat Italian plumber racing a dragon in a go-cart, but at exactly what point during a zombie apocalypse do you think you will have to utilise that particular skill? And even if you do think you look particularly snazzy in a pair of red cut-off dungarees, I can assure you that no matter how many mushrooms you eat you will neither become invincible for a short period of time nor will any part of your body increase in size.

Even in zombie-specific games, there are certain occurrences that must be taken with a pinch of salt. Firstly, you are not going to find small caches of ammo and guns piled up in safe rooms for you to stock up on, and if you do have weapons they will take longer to load than the click of a button. Neither will you be able to heal yourself with a few sprigs of basil and a lettuce leaf or by wrapping a bandage around your leg for five seconds.