COUNSELLING (YOURSELF)
It is easily assumed that a highly trained individual like yourself will be a cold-hearted, single-minded dealer of death during the dark days of the apocalypse, and it would be wise to uphold this image to ensure that you have the full support of your teammates during any crazy missions you plan. Even so, you are only human, and there will be times when you will need to talk. There will be occasions when you feel that you are teetering on the edge of sanity with all the blood, guts, gore, death and destruction around you, but you won’t want to reveal your weakness to the rest of your group. Who could you possibly trust with your fears? That’s easy – the one person you can truly rely on during a zombie apocalypse is yourself. That’s why you will also need to educate yourself in the art of self-counselling.
Of course, you don’t want to be seen talking to yourself because people may then begin to question your sanity. So here at the School of Survival we have formulated a foolproof method of effective self-counselling.
- Take a sock.
- Put it on your hand.
- Talk to the sock puppet (you’ll have to do the voice of the sock too).
A self-counselling sock puppet may go something like this:
You: Hello there, do you mind if I talk to you about my problems?
Sock: Not at all.
You: What’s your name?
Sock: That doesn’t matter – let’s talk about you.
You: I’d like to know your name, though.
Sock: It’s not really important.
You: I’m not going to tell someone my problems if I don’t know their name.
Sock: I think you’re just trying to find a reason not to talk.
You: No I’m not.
Sock: Yes you are.
You: No I’m not.
Sock: Yes you are!
You: Of course I am! I just had to shoot my Aunt Mildred in the head because she got bitten! It’s very upsetting!
Sock: It is upsetting, but I’m sure you feel better now after talking about it.
You: I had my first sexual experience with my Aunt Mildred.
Sock: OK, whoa there, you freak!
You: I feel so much better now.
A FEW KEY POINTS TO SELF-COUNSELLING:
- Always try and use a clean sock – you wouldn’t want to talk to someone who smells.
- Never get angry with your counsellor and hit or stab him – it’ll hurt you more than it hurts him.
- In the absence of socks, other items of underwear CANNOT be used as a substitute. If people catch you tking to a bra they may lose confidence in you as a leader.