POSITIVE THINKING

OK, so the majority of inspirational self-help gabble can be disregarded as complete bunkum and is best saved for scrawling across pictures of cute animals on the wall of mundane accountancy offices in middle-England. (Oh look! There’s a kitten hanging from a tree and underneath it says ‘Hang in there!’ Isn’t that cute? Although maybe someone should save the kitten before it falls and breaks its spine rather than taking a picture of it.)

There is something to be said for the power of positive thought though. Those with the ability to hold a cheery disposition and exude a proactive vibe will have a 70% higher chance of surviving the apocalypse, and that’s the same percentage as women who say they’ve had sexual health problems according to a survey conducted by Harris Interactive in 2010, so that must mean something.

You may think it will be difficult to stay positive when the world around you is turning to hell in a hand basket. But, as the old saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining; all you have to do is look for it. Here are a few examples of how to keep positive during the zombie apocalypse:

Situation: The undead have risen.

Positive thinking: You will no longer have to worry about paying utility bills or clearing the balance of your credit cards.

Situation: A loved one has been transformed into a zombie.

Positive thinking: One less present to buy at Christmas.

Situation: Your safe house is surrounded by zombies and you’ve run out of food.

Positive thinking: Think of the weight you’ll lose, and whilst you can’t go out, you can get on with the odd jobs you’ve been putting off, like regrouting the tiles in the bathroom.

Situation: Zombies have invaded your safe house and you have taken refuge in a very small cupboard.

Positive thinking: Now you’ve got some alone time you can start reassessing your life and maybe even make a start on that novel you’ve been thinking about. Plan out a synopsis and some character outlines by scratching notes onto the inside of the cupboard door with your fingernails.

Situation: You’ve been bitten and are going to die and turn into a zombie.

Positive thinking: Actually there’s nothing really positive about this for you. The only good thing about it is that the other members of your team won’t have to put up with your positive attitude anymore which was frankly quite annoying.