NAZI ZOMBIES
Let’s be honest, no matter how much we desensitise ourselves to the walking dead, zombies are pretty terrifying really. They are almost unstoppable, attack en masse, feel no pain and could be a loved one or family member. At the very least, the thought of zombies is quite grim. However, despite this fact, there are still media executives sitting in shiny offis worldwide trying to find ways to make zombies more frightening.
‘Hey,’ one of these executives might say at one of these meetings. ‘We’ve got a new movie coming out but we need to find a way to make these zombies a bit more terrifying than your average zombies.’
‘How about making them into clowns?’ another executive might suggest.
‘Been done in Zombieland and Left 4 Dead 2,’ someone else would point out. Then they’d all look thoughtful for a moment until one of them bangs his fist on the desk.
‘Got it!’
‘Hey! Bob’s got an idea!’
‘Well – and run with me on this – what’s a really scary thing? You know, totally scarier than anything else you ever thought of?’
‘Your wife first thing in the morning?’ They would then all guffaw and punch each other on the arm and make manly bonding sounds and nudge-wink faces. Once this has subsided the conversation would continue.
‘Go on, Bob, we’re listening.’
‘Nazis!’
‘Nazis?’
‘Zombie Nazis!’
‘Wow, Bob – I think you may just have come up with the winner!’
‘Let’s put it to a focus group!’
‘To hell with a focus group – let’s do it!’
‘Jeez, I feel good – let’s go grab a steak and kill a hooker.’
‘High five!’
This is obviously only an estimation of how the conversation may go and I, of course, have no definitive proof that media executives either eat steak or kill hookers – but my point is (and I do have one): is there any need to make zombies any scarier than they already are?
The fact is that Nazis weren’t really very nice people – what with their xenophobia and silly moustaches and all. But if you turn one into a zombie they’re not going to be any different than any other zombie – they are still going to want to kill and bite everyone they see. The only difference between a Nazi zombie and any other zombie is that the Nazi zombie would be wearing a Nazi uniform and there’s not many people who walk the streets in Nazi uniforms in this day and age – because the general populace doesn’t really like Nazis. So if you are a Nazi you’re not actually going to advertise it by goose-stepping around in jodhpurs. The only folks who are likely to wear Nazi uniforms are people going to fancy dress parties or cast members from West End musicals. So instead of a terrifying army of Third Reich undead marching down the street towards you, you’ll have Peter Kay or Gary Beach dressed in a sequined Hitler costume shambling along followed by a chorus of scantily clad German Beer Wenches. The point is that it’s not really possible to make zombies any scarier than they already are – apart from if the Wheelers from Return to Oz became zombies – now that would be scary.