HIDE/HIDING

The most effective way to survive in a zombie apocalypse. Some believe that going all gung-ho and running about with sharpened weapons hacking up your opponents is the way to survive – but I contest that with the theory that the less time you spend surrounded by the undead, the less chance you will have of being killed. Thus, you survive.

Naturally, there will be times when fighting is necessary – all I’m saying is don’t actively go out and seek trouble until you and your team are absolutely completely and utterly ready to take back the world from those undead freaks (or until you need to nip out and get some new batteries for your iPod).

If there is a minor breach to your safe house (one or two zombies) then they will be easy to dispose of and the area easy to secure in a relatively short period of time.

If, however, you are attacked by a horde it will be safer to hide and wait for them to rampage through and on to the next meal rather than attempt to defend yourself against them all. This is why it’s a good idea to have a hiding place with a few days’ supplies ready in advance. It could be the attic or the cellar, or it could quite easily be under the bed or in a wardrobe. Obviously these last two choices aren’t as comfortable as the first two – but they will be just as effective. Zombies are stupid so as long as you get to your hiding spot before the zombie sees you, they will not think to open a wardrobe door or bend down to look under a bed. It may be aware you are in the vicinity due to its sense of smell (if it does indeed still operate this sense), but it won’t have the cognitive power to actually look for you. It will roam about for a bit and then it will eventually leave in search of the next meal.

If you do decide to use one of these simple hiding techniques, don’t become cocky. A zombie will still hear you if you chant ‘You can’t see me! Ner Ner!’ and will most likely throw the bed out of the way or smash the wardrobe to pieces. This plan, like most others, is also not foolproof, and should you be under the bed and the zombie falls over he will spot you. Or if your wardrobe was one of those cheap Ikea knockoffs it may collapse around you when you get in (I think you’ll find it says in the instruction manual for most DIY wardrobes that they are not built for a person to live in). So although the option exists for you to hide in these places, we recommend going the extra mile and preparing somewhere a little more substantial.