ZOO

Throughout this dictionary I have made various references to different species of animals and how they may be useful to you or not during a zombie apocalypse. Well, here we shall talk about where these cuddly little creatures reside: a zoo.

As a refuge during the apocalypse, a zoo has various pros and cons. There are a lot of animals there that could be trained to carry out your bidding and keep you safe. And there are a lot of animals there who will make a noise and draw the zombies to your location looking for fresh meat.

You can hide in one of the many terrained areas where each animal lives in its ‘natural’ manmade habitat. Monkey houses will be ideal places to hide as they have access to trees and high places (although the monkeys do tend to throw poo at you which can be quite disconcerting), and the caging or glass around these areas is usually quite high so that the monkeys can’t get out (and thus the dead can’t get in).

Apart from that particular enclosure, though, these days each animal is usually housed in a sunken area so that the public can look down upon them (and thus feel superior) or surrounded by water, thus making it quite easy for the dead to get to you either by dropping in or wading across. The majority of food in the zoo will also be geared towards feeding the animals and the only supplies you will be able to get your hands on are those that are sold in the over-priced cafeteria or ice-cream carts dotted around the place. (Of course, you could always have roast lion, but you’d have to catch him first and do you really want the bother? Maybe start with something easy like a penguin).

To be honest, zoos aren’t very good places to hide at all, what with the lack of food and the chance you might be mauled and eaten – by wild animals as well as zombies.

There are also really tacky-looking baseball hats and T-shirts sold in the gift shops, along with the pencil toppers where you stick the writing implement up the badger’s bum so it sits there whilst you write (and there aren’t even any badgers in this zoo!). I frankly wouldn’t even bother. Just nip in, grab a giraffe (see Giraffe) and be on your way.

Animals also live in safari parks. There is no way I would recommend you entering a safari park during a zombie apocalypse. The animals roam free and you would be much more liable to be eaten or mauled. You would also get the windscreen wipers pulled off your car, and baboons may defecate on your bonnet. All that and dealing with zombies too – it just isn’t worth suffering the stress for.