INTERNET
Due to the continuing computerisation of the world and the fact that a lot of our day-to-day amenities no longer need constant human supervision in order to operate, I’m sure that you’ll all be pleased to know that the Internet should stay up and running a fair way into the apocalypse. And you should have continued access to it as long as your electricity holds out or you don’t need to use your laptop to barricade a door.
There will, of course, be certain sites that will be of use and those that won’t. To help get your priorities straight let’s have a look at some of them.
When used correctly Facebook can be an excellent way of increasing your survivalist contacts worldwide so that you can monitor the possibility of zombie outbreaks and share survival tips with a prepared global community. Don’t become distracted by the some of the other wonders that this social networking site has to offer, though (poking people, building a farm, running a mafia gang or joining any groups that promise to show you pictures that will make you either LOL, ROFL, PMSL or LKAOPSBQG) as it will seriously eat into your training time.
RECOMMENDED GROUPS ON FACEBOOK:
-Zombie Apocalypse Preparation
-You’ve Got Dead On You
-The Hardest Part of a Zombie Apocalypse Will Be Pretending I’m Not Excited
-How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse*
*That last one is ours – you can talk to me direct on that one.
YouTube
Amateur filmmakers ahoy! Do not waste your time looking on YouTube for any useful information about the apocalypse. It will be inundated with undergraduate media studies students uploading grainy footage of themselves snivelling into the camera in night vision about how scared they are. They’ll believe this to be a true and honest depiction of the unadulterated horror that the world is enduring. All in the hope that after the apocalypse, should they survive, their opus will be picked up for a Best Documentary Award at Cannes.
The best you can hope for is that while they’re being self-obsessed about the lighting, one of the undead will lumber up behind them and chew off an ear – now that would be entertainment.
eBay
The place to get anything! Weapons, fuel, survival gear and this book (probably for less than what you paid for it in the shops). Problem is, I’m not sure that the postal service will be running at 100% efficiency during the apocalypse so it may be as well to ensure that if you do buy anything you get the seller to guarantee personal delivery within 24 hours (even if it is from abroad). If they don’t then threaten to leave negative feedback. That’ll hurt them.
An excellent way to find out if your loved ones and major celebrities are alive and well. We suggest updating your Twitter at least every three minutes with the statement ‘I’m Still Alive’ up until the point you are not (it won’t be necessary to update your Twitter once you are no longer alive).
Porn sites
Bear this in mind. Once the apocalypse has been going on for a few months and there are fewer clean, living humans around, and the electricity has finally switched off so neither your computer or your TV works, where are you going to get your kicks, eh? Get onto those sites now and get that printer working on overtime!