JESUS

I do not wish to offend anyone, so I thought it best to take this opportunity to clear up a few things about the son of God and the rumours about him being a member of the undead.

Based on the fact that Jesus rose from the dead, it has been claimed that he is, in fact, a zombie. I would like to make it clear right now, in order to stop further speculation and the sullying of this religious icon’s character, that Jesus was not a zombie. OK?

Granted, according to the bible he rose from the dead – but once risen, he didn’t go and chew on Mary Magdalene, did he? No. Did he shamble around aimlessly moaning, groaning and rotting? No! He continued to speak and act like a normal human being. It is just childish to associate a man, whom many people believe in so faithfully, with a wandering, mindless corpse just because he demonstrated one attribute of the zombie myth. Ozzy Osborne shambles around and makes incoherent grunts and that doesn’t make him a zombie, does it? Zombies are heinous, nasty creatures and suggesting that Jesus may have been one is just wrong. It’s much more likely that Jesus was a vampire.