MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

Although someone once said something about music soothing the savage beast (could have been Shakespeare or maybe Barry Manilow), it is not a wise move to play any form of music at all during an apocalypse. The unfamiliar and melodic noises are liable to attract the undead but without the added bonus of the aforementioned soothing effects. No matter how practised you are in the art of playing a musical instrument, a zombie will still kill you (everyone’s a critic). There is no need to throw your trombone straight into the bin though, as certain musical instruments may have a dual purpose and can be used as a weapon too.

Here we will look at how weapon techniques can be applied to various instruments. Take note that these are just suggestions that we have tested on members of the School of Survival; there may be other techniques you can come up with yourself that will work just as effectively. Feel free to freestyle and jam around a bit when using musical instruments as weapons.

Guitar

The effectiveness of a guitar depends on exactly which type of guitar you are planning to use. Acoustic guitars are generally hollow so will be highly ineffective as battering weapons as they will most likely fall apart on first impact. In contrast, the electric guitar is more solid and will withstand more hits and be capable of lasting until several of the undead have had their heads staved in.

The effectiveness of any guitar as a bludgeoning weapon is all dependent on the strength and length of the neck and heel/neck joint. Bear in mind that steel-stringed guitars have a stronger structural design in order to cope with the additional tension of the teel strings. But don’t dismiss the acoustic guitar just yet. With slight adaptation the headstock can be whittled down in order to make the instrument into a pointy jabbing weapon or increasing the tension of the strings can turn it into a large bow to fire arrows, twigs, pencils and trumpets at the undead (this technique can also be applied to other smaller string instruments like violins).

Harp

Another stringed instrument. Once again this could be used as a bludgeoning weapon depending on its size and your strength, or as a ‘bow’ to catapult items long distances towards zombies. But it will ultimately be more effective, with the correct adjustments, as a zombie slicer.

Similar to an egg-slicing utensil, the strings of the harp are tough enough to swipe down through a zombie, thus cutting him into nice equal strips that you could lay on a ham sandwich if you were that way inclined.

Piano

Frankly, more practical as a barricade item as the weight and size of most pianos is enough to keep any door sealed. However, should you find that you are in need of a weapon, the piano can be broken down into segments and any of the large pieces used as bats (especial y the lid from an upright or legs from a grand). Alternatively, those of you who are particularly fond of Laurel and Hardy films can use the piano to crush your enemy.

This is by no means a foolproof plan, as dropping large, irregularly shaped items on zombies does not necessarily mean that the brain will be destroyed. However, if you do retain part of the instrument prior to dropping it you will still have a batting weapon should the crushing technique not work.

Drums

There are over 45 different varieties of drums that are all constructed from different materials and components so it is difficult to generalise the use of this percussion instrument as a weapon. The majority of drums will be more effective as a defensive weapon than a damage-dealing one. Due to their size and shape, they are ideal for use as a shield to shove zombies away with.

The larger drums can also be used to restrain zombies by placing them over the zombie’s head with force so the drum encircles its upper body thus rendering its arms useless. If you have a drum kit, it is the accessories that will be more useful as damage-dealing weapons. You can use the stands and sticks as stabbing weapons and the cymbals as large circular throwing discs (cymbals can be sharpened around the edges in order to be more effective).

 

Kazoo

There is a little-known technique to using a kazoo in times of crisis. Firstly, place the kazoo carefully in the centre of a table. Then, standing next to the table, place your hands on your hips. Now, repeatedly bash your face onto the table where the kazoo is sitting while repeating these words: ‘Why do I own a kazoo? Why do I own a kazoo? Why do I own a kazoo?’ Stop when you are unconscious or dead.