MONEY
‘He who has money can eat sherbet in hell’
Old Lebanese proverb
As we all know, when the apocalypse comes there will be no more room in hell, as that is why the dead are walking the earth and that’s probably why they’re hungry for flesh, because they can’t get into hell to get at their sherbet so there’s a sugar rush to fill. My point is (and I do have one) if you can’t get into hell to get any of the lovely sherbet they have on offer then what is the use of having money when you’re alive?
Of course, you need money now. How else would you be able to pay your bills, eat and purchase my next book (Zombie Dictionary – The Other 36 Letters of the Alphabet You Didn’t Know About). But when the apocalypse is upon us money will become the least valuable commodity there is. So on hearing of the rising of the dead don’t rush out to the nearest ATM, because all your cash will be good for is burning. During the apocalypse we will regress back into a life of bartering and trading goods so you need to make sure that you have the best goods to trade if you want to gain a position of power in this apocalyptic age.
Stop! Get off eBay right this second! When I say you need the best goods I don’t mean a 72-inch plasma-screen TV. Again, as a status symbol for these current times it may be something that a fair few people covet, but when battling the undead and trying to survive some things will be slightly more important. Weapons, livestock, food, clean water – and what about those things that all the others have forgotten? Cigarettes? Alcohol? Toilet paper? Not exactly essentials, but can you imagine a world where you couldn’t sit on a toilet with a bottle of brandy and a Regal King-size, safe in the knowledge that you would have a clean bottom once you finished? It is these things that you should begin to stockpile, along with your own personal supplies. These are the items that will allow you to purchase food, fuel and wives when you are running low.
Don’t forget about life after the apocalypse either. Once all the zombies are dead and civilisation begins to rebuild itself, your stock-piled supplies will become more readily available to the general public so you need a back-up plan to ensure that your prosperity continues way into the future. This prosperity will lie with precious metals and gems. Gold and diamonds will still retain their value after the apocalypse as high-end bargaining chips purely due to their rarity.
JEWELLERY
Jewellery is small so easily transportable and you’ll be able to keep some with you. That is why it is always worth checking the bodies of any zombies you have destroyed to see if they have anything ofworth that you can take from their pockets. Although this may seem a little mercenary now, I can assure you it will be perfectly acceptable practice during a zombie outbreak and no one will think any less of you for robbing corpses (as long as you never let anyone catch you).