STUPIDITY

Don’t, for god’s sake, let stupidity be your downfall during the apocalypse. The zombies ou are hupposed to be the stupid ones, not you. Here are the simple rules of thumb regarding the use of intelligence during a zombie apocalypse:

1. If you hear a noise then don’t stand and shout a tentative ‘Hello’ and then proceed to go and investigate said noise whilst continuing to repeat the word ‘hello’.
2. If a cat or other small animal leaps out making you jump then you can assume that anywhere between 10 seconds to a minute later a zombie will leap out and attack you.
3. Should you go out on a scavenging mission and on returning to your safe house it seems deserted, do not walk slowly into the safe house calling out for your teammates – especially if the place has been ransacked and the lights aren’t working. Leave immediately.
4. If you then discover one of your teammates silhouetted in a doorway or in front of a bright light and they do not respond the first time you call their name, then shoot them in the head or run. They have been transformed! Don’t get any closer and especially don’t take the time to say their name sadly and shake your head in sorrow.
5. On entering a dark and scary room alone, do not put your weapon and/or method of communication down on a table and then walk over to the other side of the room as far away as possible from it.
6. If you get into a car or any vehicle to escape from an attacking zombie and the car doesn’t start immediately then get out and find another means of escape. Don’t just sit there repeatedly turning the key and listening to the engine splutter.
7. When given the choice of either escaping into the relative safety of a house or trying to lose a zombie in a dark forbidding-looking forest, choose to hide in the house.
8. If somebody says to you ‘You don’t want to go in there…’ then please, dear god, trust them. You really don’t want to go in there.
9. When being chased, do not stumble around gasping and panting and squealing every time you trip over a tree branch. Just climb up a goddamn tree! Zombies can’t climb! From that point you can come up with a more comprehensive plan that doesn’t involve gasping, panting, squealing and rolling down leaf-covered embankments straight to the feet of your attacker.
10. If you hear any form of music that involves tense violin chords or a rumbling slow tempo playing when you enter a room, building, street – then you can guarantee that something bad is liable to happen. Also, if fog rolls into the street for no apparent reason this also means that something bad is about to happen. Likewise, if your torch batteries suddenly fail, it’s a sign that something bad is going to happen. If you spot any of these signs then back away from the location you are in and go someplace safer that has nicer music and no fog.