MEDITATION

OK, so you need to relieve the obvious stress and tensions that will affect us all during the zombie apocalypse. I understand that. A calm and peaceful mind will do a much more effective job than a tightly wound and neurotic one. So, you just take all the time you need and close your eyes. That’s it. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a beautiful sun-drenched beach. You can hear the waves from the crystal blue waters lapping against the almost white sand as overhead the clouds just drift on slowly by and… No, just ignore that noise. That was just the house resettling. Yes, I know it sounded like footsteps outside the door but it was just a floorboard. Now, keep your eyes closed and let’s get back to that beach… No, I didn’t hear it again, now you’re just imagining things. Keep your eyes closed and just drift, drift, imagine yourself floating… Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing outside.

If there was a zombie outside do you think I’d have you sitting there in the lotus position with your eyes closed thinking about frigging palm trees and milky coconuts? No! I’d be yelling my head off trying to get you to help stop the thing ripping our limbs off and pulling our intestines out and drenching the walls and ceilings and floors with dark crimson blood and offal. So just close your frigging eyes and get back to the buggering beach!

OK! It’s sunny,clouds are drifting and the water’s lapping at your feet! See? That didn’t take long, did it? I’m sure you feel so much better now. Hang on, I’ll just light one of these jasmine and peach candles to enhance the mood.