THRILLER
Before I get started on this entry, this is by no means a personal dig at Michael Jackson and I would never speak ill of the dead, unless they were undead, and I don’t think he’s undead. Although he may well be ‘not dead’ and working with Elvis and Princess Diana in a chip shop somewhere, but that’s a whole different kettle of conspiracy theories which isn’t worth thinking about so we’ll get back to the point.
Over the years many things have been said about the private life of the king of pop and these speculations should be left well enough alone by the serious survivalist as we cannot hope to overcome the apocalypse by pinning our hopes on scurrilous gossip and scandal-mongering. And a morbid fascination regarding eccentric celebrity’s foibles is certainly unhealthy to say the least. That said, Mr Jackson will probably be accountable for a great many deaths during the apocalypse and that’s not idle gossip. That’s fact.
In 1983 he single-handedly managed to ridicule the terrifying phenomenon of zombies and turned it into a cult obsession. Yes, I’m talking about the music video of his chart-topper ‘Thriller’ which became an instant classic. The dead are shambling towards us, growing ever closer. They’re coming for our flesh. They’re coming, they’re coming! They’re dancing! Ah, look, the dead are dancing! Isn’t that sweet? Let’s all join in. In fact, I had absolutely no sense of rhythm before – but maybe if I become a zombie I’ll be able to dance like them! Quick! Bite me!
If you put anybody in zombie make-up you can guarantee that within seconds they’ll be doing the ‘Thriller’ dance, lifting their legs and arms up and down in jerky movements from left to right, grinning like buffoons and expecting everyone to applaud riotously as if we’d never seen it before. On film sets they do it, at zombie walks, Halloween parties, even funerals (not very often at funerals – but occasionally). It needs to stop now! The nation has become desensitised to zombies. They no longer fear the undead – and no matter how many new zombie films come out and no matter how horrific they are, the ‘Thriller’ dance always rears its head to ridicule the undead again and make them seem safe. It may seem trivial now, but come the apocalypse, as people watch and wait for the zombies to dance, they will realise all too late that zombies have no rhythm and do not dance. And then they’ll get shredded and it’ll be all the king of pop’s fault. Michael Jackson is very bad. And not in the good sense as in the song ‘Bad’, but in a bad way that actually means bad… See what he’s done! He’s even buggered up the English language.