FUNFAIR

There may be numerous places to hide in a funfair – like the hall of mirrors and the fun house – and there’ll be rides and rollercoasters and an endless supply of candyfloss, so initially it may seem like the perfect place to set up your sanctuary. But if Zombieland has taught us anything it’s that when the apocalypse comes there will be zombie clowns, and where will they be? The funfair, of course.

Clowns are bad enough when they’re not the reanimated dead but when they are they’re twice as freaky. Besides, it would be extremely embarrassing if you were attacked and then had to explain to everyone that you were bitten by a clown. Especially if it was a girl clown with big shoes and a pink wig and a nose that honked when you hit her.

Mascots are an issue too – people dressed as animals. It’s demeaning enough that they had to do the job when they were alive, but now they have to spend eternity wandering round looking like that, and would you really feel right taking a machete to a six foot zombie beaver called Bradley? Or a puffin called Don?