WATER
‘Let us head for an island! An island will be safe from a zombie attack!’
‘But we’re on an island. Britain is an island and it’s not safe’
‘No! I mean a smaller island, like that island in the middle of that lake over there! The one that the park keeper always shouts at us for taking our peddle boats too near!’
‘Oh yes! What a good idea! Let me just go and get my speedos on so we can swim across – the park keeper will only shout if we get a peddle boat too near.’
OK, let’s see if we can spot what’s wrong with this conversation. Yes, OK, we’ll ignore the bit about the speedos. Speedos are most definitely wrong whether we’re in a zombie apocalypse or not. The issue here is the statement that an island will be safe. Will it? Will it indeed?
Zombies cannot swim. They are incapable of doing the backstroke, butterfly or even the doggie paddle and would be unable to keep themselves afloat, let alone stay in their own lane.
However, that does not mean that zombies aren’t able to come into contact with water. Remember, a zombie is dead so it doesn’t need to breathe. What’s to stop a zombie just walking through the water and onto your safe little island? That’s through the water and not on the water – zombies are not Jesus and as I think we’ve already explained, neither is Jesus a zombie.
Due to their state of death, zombies’ bodies are capable of withstanding a lot more than the average human being. As long as their brain is not adversely affected, they will be able to walk through anything to get to you, be it poison gas, a floor full of nails, a field of nettles or a vast amount of water.
So, armed with the knowledge that an expanse of water is not a safe barrier from the undead bear these facts in mind:
- Zombies may become trapped under water due to rubbish or plant life that they get tangled in – making them an unseen enemy. If you are swimming across the water they may grab you from below, or if you are in a boat they may attempt to capsize it.
- They go where the current takes them. If a zombie wanders into an area of high current, as long as its head isn’t smashed against the rocks it could be washed up on the shore anywhere ready to carry on marauding – maybe even the island that you believed was so safe.
- Saltwater will aid in the destruction of a zombie. The heavier the salt levels the quicker the corpse will degrade – and as water will get to the brain via various orifices in the body, the brain will also be destroyed too. Fresh water will actually slow the decomposition down. Corpses that are left in water will actually rot slower than bodies left on land, so although the water will disfigure and bloat the zombie, it will ultimately extend its life longer than if it was on land.
- Just like on land with insects, there are scavenger fish that will eat away at a corpse thus doing your dirty work and destroying the undead for you. Depending on how old the corpse of the zombie is and how far the flesh has rotted, sharks and piranhas could also be tempted to eat a zombie if it ventured into the sea.
- If anyone were ever stupid enough to start a zombie zoo, the safest way to exhibit them would be in tanks of water, like in the Sea-Life Centre. The zombie will be unable to climb out of the tank due to the glass sides and the water would also slow down his movement even more than his natural shambling gait.
- You could also consider the option to use water as a weapon, or at least as a means of defence, should you have an ample enough supply of it. Police and the authorities have been known to use hoses for crowd control in riot situations and there is no reason why a strong current of water blasted at the undead should not hold them back too. As they are rotting flesh, the force of the water may be strong enough to clean the meat from their bones making it more difficult for them to walk. You could even be lucky enough to wash out their skulls and clean away the brain.
- The final point to make regarding water is that, as far as survival is concerned, you are really going to need a supply of it. For a period of time, you may be lucky if the main water supply stays active. Do not count on this fact, though. On hearing of an apocalypse you should start stockpiling water. Fill up all available containers. Even fill up the bath. Then ensure that you ration it for as long as you remain in that particular area. And the first person you find in the bath surrounded with bubbles and playing submarine with the shampoo bottle, stick a spoon in their ear. Really, really hard.