JUMPING
Jumping is very much an overlooked skill in the art of survival; however, it can turn out to be a very useful skill to have. Look at the influence this pure act of lifting two feet off the ground at the same time has had on us over the years. Girls Aloud implored us to ‘Jump for their love’ and Kris Kross saw the potential to reach millions with their simple message of ‘Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.’ Leo told us that if we jumped, he’d jump and in 2007 Patrick Swayze and Martine McCutcheon gave us a tense psychological drama about anti-Semitism and the unjust murder trial of a young Jew in a film entitled…you guessed it – ‘Jump’!
So, how do we learn to jump properly? Well, first let’s start with something simple: the stationary jump (this is jumping when standing still and not jumping over a pile of pencils, rulers and an A4 folder). Here’s how we do it:
- Quickly raise both feet off the floor.
- Return feet to floor.
There are two important issues to bear in mind when carrying out this simple procedure. Firstly, don’t fall over, and secondly don’t forget to carry out point 2, as without point two you would be levitating – which, although vastly more impressive than jumping, may cause other survivors to treat you as if you were possessed and burn you at the stake.
Once you have mastered the stationary jump you will be able to reach shelves that were previously too high, avoid a low sweeping attack from a member of the undead and confidently hold your own in a mosh pit.
The next step up, once the stationary jump is mastered, is the ‘travelling jump’ (jumping over things like a hole or rooftops). Unfortunately, due to space restrictions we won’t be able to go into that today, but much can be learnt about the art of jumping from the interweb and we urge you to carry on bettering yourself in this art, incorporating such gems as the ‘star jump’, ‘wolf jump’, ‘straddle jump’ and ‘ring’ (no jump on the end of that, but it’s still a jump – trust me, I’m a doctor).
Eventually, with all these jumps in your repertoire you may even be able to master the art of ‘parkour’ which although sounds a bit French is actually quite impressive and will allow you to jump around a council estate wearing baggy jeans and a baseball cap – a useful skill if ever there was one.