NUDITY

I think we’ve already established that nudity is not the best way to present yourself during a zombie apocalypse. However, the zombies you encounter in an apocalypse may well be naked and you need to be prepared for that fact.

When the zombie infection first takes hold, and nobody realises what is going on, most people who are feeling ill will go to bed. People tend to wear very little, if anything, in bed, especially if they are running a fever. There is a good chance then, that many people will die naked and thus they will be reanimated naked – and I can assure you that these undead will have absolutely no shame when it comes to flaunting themselves for all to see. They won’t be bothered about slipping on a pair of slacks and a cardie before leaving the house. Their state of undress will not deter them from coming at you and you don’t want to let this fact be your downfall.

Nudity can be somewhat distracting (especially if it’s someone you know) so you need to repare yourself. Not only will the undead be attempting to take a chunk out of you, but their naughty bits will be flapping in the breeze too. If your attacker is naked then just follow some simple rules:

1. Remember, whether you have nudity to contend with or not, your prime objective is still the same – to destroy the brain. Do not be put off from that task by embarrassment, awkwardness or penis envy.
2. Keep eye contact with your attacker; this will stop you becoming distracted by any endowments that the zombie could have.
3. Do not try and cop a feel. There will be time enough for that later – once you have destroyed the brain and your attacker is down.