LEARNING

Yes, that’s what you’re doing now. Learning all about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Although the bigger question is, can a zombie learn to survive the coming human apocalypse? Are zombies capable of being taught? Now for those of you who are considering the idea of grabbing yourself a couple of undead, sticking them in silly hats and teaching them to dance, I’m going to stop you right there. Using zombies to add a new twist to your children’s entertainment business is just not going to work – not unless you could at least get them to learn magic or some form of acrobatic trick, but even then I’d stick with making balloon animals if given the choice. The point is, though, that technically speaking, yes, zombies can learn. Any creature that is aware of its surroundings will eventually adapt to those surroundings over time.

Let’s just make one thing clear from the offset – zombies will hold no memories of their past lives. They will not remember where they lived, who their friends were, what TV shows they liked or how to make an omelette. They will also not remember how to carry out simple everyday tasks like climbing ladders and using door handles to open doors.

But they will adapt to their surroundings. A zombie will be able to perceive when an object is solid and can thus not pass through it. Which is why we will not see zombies just walking willy-nilly into walls, trees and post boxes. To begin with, they will not know what glass is – and we may get a few chortle-worthy moments as a member of the undead goes shambling face first into a plate glass window. A zombie can also tell the difference between a member of the undead and a living survivor which is why they do not attack each other.

So, we can deduce from these few simple facts about the undead that they do have a sense of perception. And any creature with perception, no matter how simple, will adapt to its environment. After a few attempts at walking directly into shop windows, they will ‘learn’ what glass is and not attempt to do that anymore.

The positive side to this rather scary thought is that humans tend to learn a lot by trial and error. You wouldn’t stick your hand in a fire because you know it would hurt. Because a zombie feels no pain it will never learn not to walk into fire.

Humans are also taught a ge tdeal by other humans (either by witnessing others’ mistakes or by teaching each other). Zombies are not a species that will socialise so there will be no sharing of information between them. They also reproduce in an unconventional way so will never pass on their teachings to new zombies.

Therefore, if we do destroy a zombie, the things it has ‘learnt’ will die with it. And every new zombie that comes along will have to start afresh walking into windows.

But do bear in mind that scientists still don’t understand the inner workings of the human brain and they’ve been studying those for decades. So how can we ever hope to know what is going on inside the brain of the undead? If a zombie is left wandering the earth long enough – will it begin to understand more?

Everything evolves after time and there is no reason to think the undead will be an exception. After all, they learnt how to use weapons and adapt to their surroundings in Land of the Dead; in Cell they began using previously defunct parts of their brains to harness psychic powers, including levitation and hypnosis; and they learnt the beauty of rising to the occasion, the importance of seizing a special opportunity, and the special empowerment achieved through respect for the dignity of others in The Princess Diaries… Or that may have been Anne Hathaway? Anyway, this is why it is imperative that we do not attempt to close ourselves off from the hordes or attempt to live a life alongside them. Who knows what they could learn and ultimately become? And then we would have real problems on our hands. Fighting a zombie that felt no pain but had a plan! No! Whatever you do, once you have the means you must ensure that every last zombie is put down for good! Because once they start to show signs of sentience you will have your greatest enemy yet to face: tree-hugging Liberals fighting for the Rights of the Undead. And THAT really doesn’t bear thinking about.