COUNSELLING (OTHERS)
During the apocalypse it won’t always be just about katanas, machetes and eating toilet paper to survive; sometimes the battle will need to be fought with words and the occasional hug. Due to the immense knowledge of survival techniques that you will have garnered from these very pages you will naturally fall into a leadership position in your group and it will be your primary responsibility to protect everyone in it. And not just from the enemy outside – they will also need saving from themselves.
Not everyone will have taken the fall of civilisation as well as you, not everyone will have been able to accept the deaths of their loved ones as easily as you have and not everyone may be able to deal with the inevitable loss of daytime soaps from their lives. A survival team requires full mental focus in order to be successful, so, as well as being a soldier of mercy, you will also need to be a shoulder to cry on.
Counselling can take many different forms and I do not presume to know all the ins and outs of the human psyche, but here are two simple techniques I recommend for dealing with a mentally unbalanced member of your group to ensure that they remain on kilter and ready to fight. It’s up to you which you prefer.
Listening
Sometimes, just sitting and listening to a person’s problems can help them come to terms with their inner issues. All this technique requires is for you to sit (preferably with your legs crossed) and nod sagely and with understanding at the appropriate times.
PERFECTING YOUR NODDING TECHNIQUE
The correct nodding technique is the most difficult part of this particular strategy and you may wish to grab a mirror to practise. First furrow your brow slightly and let a sadness enter your eyes – now nod… No! That’s too fast, slower, slower, slower – no – now that’s too slow – somewhere in between… No! That’s too fast again. Look, it might be better if I let you practise that on your own.
The beauty of this technique, once perfected, is that you don’t ever actually have to listen to what is being said to you. Purely the act of nodding occasionally will give the illusion that you care and sometimes that’s all someone needs. To know someone cares… Even if you really don’t.
Cruel to be kind
The polar opposite of the ‘Listening’ technique. Sometimes people need a shock to the system to break them out of a cycle of maudlin thoughts. So if they come to talk to you about some minor issue (e.g. they’re finding it difficult to cope with the solitude or they lost an arm during battle) just shout at them. Not in a random, Tourette’s way – you need to be focused in your rant. Take this example below and adapt it to fit your own style:
‘What? What are you talking about! You’re worried about (insert person’s minor problem) when civilisation is over!! You’re worried about (repeat person’s minor problem) when all over the world millions are dead! When corpses are rising and killing people all you’re worried about is (repeat person’s minor problem this time with utter contempt). Do you realise how selfish and self-absorbed you sound? Now, get over yourself and let’s go kill some zombies!’
WHICH TECHNIQUE IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE?
In controlled tests we discovered that the ‘Cruel’ technique works a lot quicker than the ‘Listening’ technique. We also found that it is 29% more effective when used on old people and toddlers.