UNBREAKABLE

Picture the scene. You are happily scavenging away in a deserted Aldi warehouse, stocking up on your supply of processed German sausage and sliced cheese with holes in it, when all of a sudden a zombie appears from behind a crate of half-price violins. (Excellent value, I bought one. Strictly to use as a bow and arrow set – see Musical Instruments.)

Anyway, the zombie has appeared and you make a grab for your axe that is attached to your handy workman’s belt. As you pull it free, the belt snaps and falls to the floor. The zombie advances! You raise the axe in the air and the head flies off leaving you with naught but a piece of wood. The zombie moans and advances some more! You decide that you probably shouldn’t fight the zombie with a stick and decide to run, but your shoelace snaps and trips you over. You try and get up, but due to the previous issue with your workman’s belt your trousers have fallen down. The zombie is now almost on top of you! You back away into a corner and grab your radio to call for help from your friends outside, but the aerial has snapped off! Then the building falls down on your head and the universe implodes!

Naturally, it is unlikely that a person would have that much bad luck at any given time, but in these days of mass consumerism, companies are making their goods more disposable and less durable, meaning that you could be left in a rather sticky situation at any time should a weapon or tool you are using suddenly break.

This is why, prior to the apocalypse, we recommend stocking up on unbreakable items. Not every company in the world has gone down the route of producing shoddy merchandise and there are the few out there who are continually keeping their standards high by flooding the market with supposed unbreakable goods. You’d imagine this was rather bad business sense because if they never break, you’ll never need a replacement. Once everyone who wants one has got one they’re never really going to sell anymore as generation to generation the unbreakable wonder they have manufactured is going to be passed through the ages.

A cursory glance through the interweb shows that you can get an unbreakable cafetière (that serves four), an unbreakable juicer, unbreakable golf tees, unbreakable tent pegs, unbreakable laptop bags, unbreakable thermal lunchboxes, unbreakable coin tubes (with screw tops), unbreakable combs, unbreakable mannequins, unbreakable clutch levers for Honda dirt bikes, unbreakable rosary beads, unbreakable multicoloured kazoos (packs of 12) and unbreakable Christmas tree stars from Italy. The possibilities are endless and should you stock your safe house with all these unbreakable items then you will never have to worry again about being let down on the battlefield or at home.