FRIENDS AND FAMILY

You will no doubt be familiar with the saying ‘Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer’. This doesn’t apply in a zombie apocalypse. Bugger your enemies (not literally) and, if possible, use them as a decoy to facilitate your own escape. It is your friends and family who are most important to you now.

First of all we’re going to do a little exercise. I want you to close your eyes and picture all of your family together – perhaps envision them posing for a family portrait that you are taking. Now I want you to imagine which two of your family you would take wr feet,if there was a zombie apocalypse. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are – just pick two. Next… Oh, actually, there is no next and you can open your eyes now. (Don’t think I didn’t know you hadn’t actually closed your eyes in the first place – if you had closed your eyes you wouldn’t have been able to read where I told you to open them again! Next time do as you’re told!)

What you did just then was decide who to save. It will be impossible to save everyone so what you have to do is prioritise. Of course, you may manage more than two. If your entire family lives under one roof then you’ll have a good chance of saving them all (but remember, the benefit system will crumble during an apocalypse so you may have to find some other way to survive). It is important to realise, though, that if your family is separated some of them will die. It also doesn’t matter what your reasons for choosing your top two were. OK, granted your sister is younger than your grandma – but granny was the only one who was ever nice to you and your sister always thought she was better than you what with getting her degree in natural sciences and marrying that marine biologist – you’ll show her who the golden girl of the family is now! You must help the ones you feel are most important to you as their support will guide you through the darker days of the siege.

Your friends are just as important, but bear in mind that each individual friend will have family members that they will wish to save in an apocalypse so it is with your friends that you need to make a survival plan. Firstly, decide where you plan to meet within seven days of the outbreak. I will leave you to decide on an exact location – there is enough information within this dictionary to help you make an informed decision.

But before we leave this topic let’s do another quick exercise. I want you to put your friends in order of usefulness during a zombie apocalypse. For example, a martial arts expert would be very useful whereas a performing arts student would not.

Once you have done that, look at the list and ask yourself the question: ‘Are there enough skilled people in my circle of friends?’ If not, then you need to make some new friends. Mechanics, nurses, weapons forgers – get on MySpace, Facebook and sadandlonely.com and link up with people of use in your area.

‘You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.’ Remember that! It will come in handy. Although technically it is now no longer true. You can legally divorce your own parents and get a Professor of Medicine or Chuck Norris to adopt you – then they’d be duty bound to protect you when the zombies rise.