CHAINSAW

 Cited as the weapon of choice by 8 out of 10 zombie survivalists in the absence of any firearms, the chainsaw is inded a fun weapon to have around when mass carnage is the task of the day. But although it is an extremely effective way to dispose of those pesky undead, and one that can also bring immense pleasure too, we would not recommend putting this particular item at the top of your Christmas list.

Firstly, your average chainsaw can weigh from 8–30 lbs making it difficult to transport along with all your other supplies.

Secondly, there is the fuel to consider. Although the blades can cause major damage when spinning around like a fairground carousel, when they aren’t moving you may as well be hitting a zombie with a sponge. Fuel is likely to become scarce during the apocalypse and even if you do find some, carrying it around would be heavy and cumbersome.

Finally, there is the operational aspect of the trusty chainsaw. It may look easy to use but just Google ‘chainsaw death’ and you’ll see how many people have fallen foul of the teeth of one of these beasts – and they can’t all be inbred retards. Therefore, unless you are already versed in the art of chainsaw usage, it would be a bad idea to just wade into battle waving one around your head – and do you really want to waste fuel practising at home?

Of course, here at the School of Survival we don’t like to rain on anyone’s parade and as using a chainsaw to chop up a ghoul can be spiffing entertainment, we advocate the use of this particular weapon in a ‘defence situation’ only. Once you have found and fortified your safe house, keep a chainsaw handily stored in case zombies get in. Just choose a smaller, more manageable weapon whilst out in the field.