GARDEN CENTRE

The perfect place to find weapons during a zombie apocalypse. Who needs guns when in these veritable goldmines you can pick up shears, strimmers, axes, chainsaws, pitchforks, scythes, and electric lawnmowers? Those who like to be inventive in their zombie-killing methods could spend hours filling up their vans with all manner of damage-dealing tools.

For the non-lethal minded there is also the option of stocking up on seeds and plants with which to grow your own foodstuffs to aid your survival. Of course, these should be saved for when you have found a secure location for a long-term stay (but if the worst comes to the worst you could always just eat the seeds – I am assured that plants will not grow in your stomach as a school friend informed me they would when I swallowed an apple pip as a child – the fact I don’t have an apple tree sprouting from my head should be proof enough for that).

Be warned though, a garden centre will not be a safe haven in the apocalypse. Firstly, there will be other people who will have thought of the possibility of finding weapons and food there, which means you may have a fight on your hands to get the best hardware – who’d want to take out a member of the undead with the 300mm Sarel Spiker lawn aerator when you have the option of using the 900mm?

As well as the living there is a high possibility that you will have to face the dead too. These days garden centres boast coffee shops, gift shops and all manner of other non-garden-related paraphernalia so people tend to spend whole days in these places. There is one consolation to this – but refer to the entry under Demographics for more information.

Finally, do not think of using a garden centre as your base of operations. The buildings are primarily made of glass. See the problem there? Yes, it will be a nightmare to keep clean.