OUIJA BOARD

Here’s an interesting theory. Once a zombie reanimates we all know that there is no longer anything human about them. The human part of them has died and what is left is a feral monster that is driven by an infection and the lust for living flesh. The fact that death occurs prior to reanimation means that technically the person’s soul should have gone somewhere. So for those who believe in ghosts and the spirit world, it should mean that we will still be able to communicate with our loved ones after death because it is only their body that is still active and not their soul.

It is also a well-documented fact for those who believe in ghostly goings-on and watch Most Haunted on a regular basis that spirits are more likely to manifest themselves if they have suffered a violent and untimely death – and not surprisingly, there will be a lot of that kind of thing going on during a zombie apocalypse.

So, does that mean that there will be restless spirits roaming our zombified cities as well as the undead? If so, are they likely to try and help us? And if they can, how do we contact them? The Ouija board, of course.

In the absence of having a trained medium or Yvette Fielding on your team of survivors (and you don’t want Yvette on your team. She’s really jumpy and even after years of presenting a programme about ghosts, she squeals at the slightest noise). Your next best bet is to try and make yourself a Ouija board. This can be done by only using the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ answers or you can include every single letter of the alphabet to allow the spirit to give more detailed answers. You then overturn a glass, everyone involved puts their finger on it and you ask the question ‘Is anybody there?’ Then Bob’s your uncle, the spirits contact you. (It may, actually, not be as easy as all that and may take a bit of tension-building first and the occasional flash of lightning or the lights flickering on and off. Anyway, at some point the spirits ma or may not get in touch.)

Once you have made contact, you can use the spirits to let you know things like where the best supplies are, if you are going to survive and where One-Eyed Willy’s secret treasure is buried. And I’m sure they’d be more than willing to help seeing as some evil force has taken over their body and is currently dragging its heels about outside looking for people to rip apart.

If the dead don’t happen to get in touch on this particular occasion then all might not be lost. Use your own finger to point the glass to members of the team you don’t particularly like and send them out on suicide missions while pretending to be possessed by the spirit of Great Uncle Mortimer. The only thing you have to remember with this is that when they get to the afterlife they will probably discover from Great Uncle Mortimer that he wasn’t the one who sent the message and that it was actually you and then they could come back and possess you and force you to make a vase out of clay on a pottery wheel or some other such heinous task. Of course, all of this is irrelevant if you don’t really believe in this kind of thing, because if you don’t believe in it then it can’t really exist, can it?

Please note that the last question was rhetorical and the theory of not believing in something meaning it doesn’t exist doesn’t work. If that were the case I wouldn’t believe in the zombie apocalypse, meaning that it wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t believe in racial intolerance, meaning that wouldn’t exist, and I also wouldn’t believe in the combined hits of Sophie Ellis Bextor, Gina G and the Cheeky Girls because I really wish they didn’t exist.