CELEBRITY

As horrible and upsetting as it may sound, celebrities can also become zombies. In fact, anyone can become a zombie and although we’ve all pretty much come to terms with the fact that your own mum may be reanimated, are we fully conditioned to accept an undead Richard and Judy, a zombie Philip Schofield or a feral Fearne Cotton? And, as amusing as it may sound, celebrity zombies can be a dangerous thing.

If a well-known A-List celebrity like Britney Spears so much as sneezes these days there are numerous photographers on hand to snap the event and ten times as many fans ready to set up a Facebook group to say ‘Geshundheit’.

Imagine, then, if Britney were to be bitten and transformed? Initially Heat magazine would comment on her weight loss and deathly pallor, maybe coming to the conclusion that she had been in rehab. But once the full truth of the situation dawned on the populace there would be those crazed fans out there who would want to either a) try and save her – even though we all know that once reanimated you are beyond help, or b) own her.

If a celebrity becomes a mindless corpse, crazed and opportunistic fans are likely to relish the chance of beg able to own their idol, causing a mass of people to congregate at her last known location giving little thought to their own safety or the possibility that their beloved Britney will most likely attack them. This will result in a higher level of zombies in otherwise deserted and exclusive areas like Primrose Hill, Notting Hill and Beverley Hills. (It seems to be that wherever there is a Hill you’ll find a celebrity – apart from maybe an ant hill. You’ll only find ants there, and not the kind who hangs around with Dec – the insecty type… I digress).

Another problem for celebrities is that they may be mistaken for the actual characters they play in movies and other media, and might be expected to perform acts of immense courage, strength and near impossibility in order to help us survive. So although Woody Harrelson, Bruce Campbell or Milla Jovovich may be able to hold their own quite well during the apocalypse due to the previous simulation training they’ve had in their day jobs, it would be unwise to expect them to be able to make bus tanks, clone themselves or mix magic health potions from cabbage and pies. Just concentrate on your own survival and don’t worry about the celebrities at all. Just remember, once you’ve got through this, you’ll be the celebrity for using your knowledge to help the needy survive!