Chapter 34

“Everything is fine,” the consultant said, pulling Lilly’s hips around. It was the day of my post natal. The baby and I were getting checked to make sure we were both fine and healthy. Lilly lay there having a major temper tantrum. She screamed her cat like impressions informing the doctor in a very loud verbal manner that he should just leave her alone!

“Nice healthy lungs,” he grinned, looking into her mouth and pushing her tongue down to see in her throat.

“All is well. Just go along to the baby clinic regularly to check on her weight. You’re both doing great,” he winked at me then left the room leaving me to calm her down. I dressed Lilly as her screams began to fade.

I named her Lilly after my friend. I guess she was probably the only true friend I ever had, my longest running friendship when times were tough. I appreciated her being there, I needed her much more than she needed me, but I never let on.

She was over the moon when I called to tell her about Lilly. She visited me in hospital and held the baby once, but I never did see her again. I guess you can’t exactly put a baby on the back of a scooter can you? I had moved on and she left me to it. I wouldn’t have fit into the “being cool” group with a pram in front of me. Funny how my perspective changed. Mods didn’t seem so important now.

Some of the girls from Woolworth’s called to say hello and offered to take me out to celebrate the post natal. It was the “beginning of freedom after childbirth,” they said. I really didn’t want to go, but Maggie persuaded me.

“You need some free space.”

“No it’s okay… I’m fine honest.”

“You get yourself out and relax. Go on have some fun. You never know when the next time will be,” she said with a furrowed brow, but in a jokey way.

“But.. .”

“You’ve got eighteen years of hard work ahead of you girl!”

“Okay, okay,” I agreed, getting ready to go out. The problem is I don’t know who I am. I can’t dress like a mod anymore. How can I be a mod and a mum? The two just don’t mix.

Maggie helped me out and lent me a dress to wear. It was pretty forgiving of a belly that was hanging around, loose and stretched from childbirth.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I’m certainly not going to wow anyone tonight, I thought raising my eyebrows. I stuck my tongue out at myself and left the room. I grabbed my bag, gave Maggie a hug and gently kissed Lilly on the forehead while she slept. Picking up the Polaroid’s to show my workmates, I headed off on the walk into town.

“I’ll pick you up at 1:00 am at the club,” dad called after me.

“Okay, no worries,” I said looking back at Lilly fast asleep in her carrycot in the living room.

“She’ll be fine,” Maggie smiled. “Now get going before I change my mind.”

I felt lost walking into town, no baby and pretty much no belly. I felt alone again and I had only left the house two minutes ago. Already I was wishing the night would end. I considered turning back, but I knew that Maggie wanted to play with Lilly by herself without me watching her every move, just like any normal Grandmother would.

The music thumped away and the club was packed. I don’t think I had ever been to a real nightclub, well, not one without sixties or soul music playing. The dance floor was heaving. Visage was playing Fade to Grey and lots of people were dancing like a hundred robots.

I felt a tug on my arm and was quickly ushered into the club with the girls from Woolworth’s. I wasn’t feeling up to dancing. The truth was I didn’t know how to dance to this sort of music. I sort of shuffled around trying to still look cool and let people think I actually knew what I was doing. Ain't No Body followed, by Rufus and Chaka Khan. I loved that song and danced away forgetting everything for a minute. It’s Raining Men was blended into the end of it, The Weather Girls. Everyone singing along, I knew the song. Dad used to tape the Top 20 on the radio every week and I would listen while I helped him clean his trucks out. If only it was raining men! I giggled to myself.

Photos of Baby Lilly were passed around, everyone oooing and ahhing over her locks of brown fluffy hair and big blue eyes. I had only been out for an hour and I missed her so much.

Looking around the dance floor I saw a few people I knew. Not many recognised me without my mod gear and black bitch lines. My hair was bleached and had grown quite a bit. It was a shock when I saw him. It wasn’t too surprising that, although he looked right at me, he walked by and went and sat down without a clue. I stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Lawrie was standing there, right in front of my eyes.

“What do I do?” I whispered to a friend, both of us looking his way. He must have felt our laser beam eyes burning a hole right through him. As his head moved up he looked directly at me. It took a few moments for him to realise who I was and finally he mouthed, “OH MY GOD.” I grabbed the pictures off of my friend and marched right over to where he was sat. He looked shocked.

In true style he just said, “Hi, Abbie, how have you been?”

“How have I been?” I hissed. “I’ve been giving birth to your fucking daughter, that’s what, and I’m fine thanks for asking.”

“I…I didn’t know,” he stammered looking me right in the face.

I found it hard to be angry. I loved him so much, seeing him just confirmed it, but he hurt me big time. How could I ever forgive him for leaving me alone?

“Of course you knew, don’t try that one, and here’s your daughter.” I threw pictures in his direction.

“A girl?” He didn’t seem to know or he was a damn good actor. I threw more pictures of Lilly on the table in front of him and walked away. I needed to compose myself.

I stood at the bar shaking. Inside I was scared. I certainly wasn’t expecting him here, of all people. Well at least now he can’t deny her existence, I thought.

“I honestly didn’t know,” said a voice beside me quietly in my ear.

I turned around and Lawrie stood there. I had waited for this moment for almost a year and now the words wouldn’t come. I paused, then I said, “I called you a thousand times and left as many messages with your mum. She knew all about it. I even rang you when I was in labour.”

His face showed horror. I could see it was genuine shock too.

“She is beautiful,” he smiled.

My heart melted straight away. It never did take him long to get to me.

“I know she is.” I played with him, posing with my hands on my hips doing my best model impression. “Of course she’s beautiful, she’s mine after all.”

Putting his arms around my waist he drew me in. I was back in the warm, strong arms of the one man I loved.

“She’s mine too,” he said gazing into my eyes. “From now on, she’s mine too.”