Chapter 32

We sat there in the back row of the cinema, Lawrie snuggling up next to me. His arm was around the back of my seat and he pressed awkwardly against my leg. Busy hands, I thought. He was doing his best to grope my boobs with the one while pulling my left hand onto the bulge in his Jeans with the other.

“We came here to watch a movie,” I snapped pushing his hand away.

He turned his head to me and said, “Abbie, don’t you remember? I’m going away to college.”

“Of course I remember.”

“Well it’s February already, and I only have until April. I love you Abbie, you’re my best friend. Well actually, you’re much more than that now.”

“How could I forget?” I mumble. I’ve been dreading this but I knew it was coming. “Yes I do remember,” I repeated.

After a pause he looked down at his feet, his face twisted in angst. He whispered, “Well, I have some bad news.”

What can it possibly be? I wondered. Everything negative flew through my brain, as the pessimistic me took over. Are we breaking up? It can’t be that bad ,surely? I know I’m hard work and get jealous easily but. . .I braced myself waiting for the all too familiar stab of pain.

“I’m leaving for Sea College on the fourth.”

The initial shock resulted in a blank stare. Sea college? No tears, no sadness, just...nothing. I was completely stunned, reeling, crushed!

“I guess…I mean…what?” I mumbled trying to digest what I had just heard. “You’re leaving for sea? In practically two weeks?” My tone of voice ran up the scale to a very high pitch.

“Yup.”
“I guess it won’t be that bad,” I lied trying to hold my composure.

I couldn’t even look him in the eye without fear of bursting into tears. Thoughts ran through my head like, Will I ever see him again? or Will things ever be the same? I finally found someone to protect me and now he’s gone. Okay, maybe he’ll come back, but how can I ever be sure? I can’t trust anyone. There was nothing I could do. I just stood up and walked out of the cinema. I had to be on my own. He tried to reason with me that night, but I had nothing to say. I was hurting too much.

We spent a lot of time together over the next few weeks, making up for time to be lost. There was a lot of sex as we began to explore our love for each other. Before we knew it, the time had arrived.

We met in the park and took a long walk to say our goodbyes and pledged that nothing would keep us apart. He held my hand and looked me straight in the eyes when he promised that he would not leave me, ever.

“I believe you,” I told him wanting to believe, but feeling sick with fear and worry.

How could it be? I knew the pain of hatred and abuse, but how could love be so painful. I hadn’t realised until he left, that love could physically hurt like a punch in the stomach. I always thought “heartache” was just some fancy pretend word made up by romance writers. Yet the separation from Lawrie tore me apart so much that my heart literally ached. I was miserable, and once again I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Sometimes I could still feel him on my lips. I would tell myself that I could put up with this small period of pain and so much more to be honest, to have him all to myself one day. As difficult as it was, I tried my very hardest to remain sane and not get jealous, but unless I heard from him every day I would panic. What if he finds someone else? What if he changes his mind? I finally found true love and the thought of losing him is unbearable. My jealousy caused arguments. What, am I trying to drive him away? Maybe my mind was thinking if I got rid of him now then it wouldn’t hurt so much later. I was confused, but I had too much time to think and, as always, struggled to deal with anything and everything to do with love.

We wrote most days, telling each other how much we loved each other and planning after Sea school was finished. We were 16 years old and had just finished school. We tried so hard to make it work before he went away. It was difficult though because my parents weren’t keen on him and his parents weren’t keen on me. It was like we came from different planets, and we did. I was a mod and he was into normal chart music, although he did his best to dress like a mod when he came to mod dos with me.

I started feeling really weird and wondered if it was more of the pains of love. Every morning was the same. I would smell something from the kitchen, anything, and run to the bathroom gagging.

“Maggie, I need to talk,” I murmured sheepishly in the kitchen. “I’ve got something to tell.”

She cut me off, “Let me guess.” Maggie had her usual know it all look. “Let me make it easy, I’ll tell you what’s wrong.”

I nodded, looking down at my feet, thinking, Will she kick me out?

“You’re pregnant!” she said in her usual, sarcastic voice. She sounded cocky, “I saw it days ago.”

“Well why didn’t you say something then,” I snapped back.

Not once did it occur to me that my unborn child’s father might not want it. After all, he loved me. He had told me so over and over. In my naiveté, I had made myself believe that sex was love. After all, I didn’t sleep around all the time I was with Lawrie. Now I was excited about the idea of being a mum. Me? A mum!

I wrote to Lawrie, the new father to be, expecting, well hoping for him to share my enthusiasm. I thought he would want to rush right home, scoop me in his arms, profess his undying devotion and propose to me on the spot!

In the real world, he was a sixteen-year-old boy, getting a letter from a girl he barely knew, stating the scariest words a young man could ever hear, “I’m pregnant!” He should have been studying at Sea School and not having to worry about anything else. After all, we had only been seeing each other for a matter of weeks.

“Are you sure?” was his first question.

I was hurt right off. “Of course I’m sure.”

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

I was devastated. “Do you need to ask?”

That question stabbed me in the heart, and it also should have been a warning. I should have known something was wrong when he had doubts. But I had always been a romantic deep inside and I wanted, no not wanted, I needed to believe his pledge. I needed to believe in love so badly that I didn’t process his doubts. To me, they were just a reaction to major news. He’ll come around. I didn’t realise though I was going to have to take on his entire family.

“How could you know so soon? Have you done a test?”

“No, but I just know I am.”

How could I explain that I felt it inside? At the time I didn’t realise that it was his mother saying all of the horrible stuff and putting ideas and seeds of doubt into his head. She told him how I slept around and that the baby could be anyone’s.

I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew. Yes, I would be a mum. Soon the tiny life inside would be in my arms.

Around my fourth month of pregnancy, when my belly started to get bigger and my breasts heavier, Lawrie and I began drifting apart. His family was too strong for him. To be honest mine were just as bad, filling my head with stuff because I had told them of his doubts. I wanted them to say he loved me, but no.

“He’s no good,” Maggie would say, “Don’t waste your time.”

I was heartbroken. I knew he loved me, but who was I kidding? This is ME we’re talking about. Nothing is ever easy for me. What’s new?