Chapter 22
I lay on my bed in the children’s home staring at one of the pictures and deep in thought when suddenly I heard voices. I recognised the unmistakeable Welsh accent. Someone was on the way up the stairs because I was usually unable to hear more than about a flight and a half down from my room. I remained on my bed unconcerned. I had a cloud over me. I really couldn’t be bothered with anything or anyone. A gentle knock at my door brought me back out of my self-pitying daydream of how I was going to end it all. I ignored the knock, rolled over in bed and turned my back to the door. It got louder.
“Hello hun, it’s Albert, can I come in?”
“Do what you like, you’re going to anyway,” I hurled at him through the old wooden door. The door creaked open and he entered gingerly and perched himself on the white wicker chair in my room.
“You’ve gone and done it this time Lassie, no more chances!” He gazed at me with a stern face expecting some sort of reply, or maybe an explosion.
Is he asking me or stating a fact? I wondered. “Fuck off.”
“Why Abbie? Why are you so hell bent on hurting yourself. No one else is getting hurt apart from you?”
With a quick glance at his face it looked like he genuinely cared. But I turned away. I just gazed out the window at the sky trying to put him to the back of my mind. He was a nice bloke and I didn’t want to lose my temper. He seemed to be on my side. Every time he came he left me with fags or cash to buy fags. He always made sure I had money for clothes and he was easy to squeeze for extra coin. He was probably the only person left I could wrap around my finger. I had a bit of a soft spot for him. “Cupboard love,” the staff said behind his back.
“Where now then?” I mumbled still staring at the window. He stood up and started walking back to the door.
“I’ve got a suitcase in my car for you. I’ll fetch it lass and we’ll get you packed. You’ll find out soon enough,” he said on his way out the door without looking back.
I took my time in packing my belongings. I certainly wasn’t about to rush for anyone. I checked my makeup, hair and put on my favourite black ski pants. I made my way down the stairs to get some food. It was a hive of activity as I walked down the hall into the dining room. But as I entered it fell totally silent. I mean it was deathly quiet. No one would even look at me. It was like they felt some sort of guilt or remorse and didn’t know what to say. I really didn’t care though, grabbing some bread and shoving a couple of slices of bacon in between. I walked outside and into the garden wondering, The way they look I must be going to the gallows.
All of a sudden I snapped and my brain went out of gear. I was at boiling point, pacing up and down clenching my fists. I wanted to explode. I wanted to scream but I didn’t know why. I threw my bacon butty across the garden and lit a cigarette.
“Come on hun,” Albert called after me. “Let’s get this over with and get on our way.”
We went back to my room, squeezed the rest of my stuff into the one suitcase and walked out to his car. He stood there at the door talking with staff and signing a piece of paper.
He turned and waved at the other kids and called out, “Cheerio.” They were looking out of their windows. I didn’t look at them. I looked away into the trees as we drove out of the gravel driveway. The gardener caught my eye as we drove past and gave me a wink, a smile and a nod and walked away to his shed. Hmmm, I thought, that’s exactly where he was the first time I arrived at this godforsaken place.
The drive to Margate didn’t take long. I was in a daze for most of the journey, planning to run away at the first chance I got. But where?
“Not long now,” Albert said. “No other home will take you dearie. You used up all your nine lives. Now you’re on your own.”
“On my own?” I said back to him. I was shocked and my voice went all high pitched, “I’m not even 16 yet, how can I be on my own?” I laughed nervously.
“You’re far too difficult, Abbie. You’re too old to be fostered, and the children’s homes don’t want you. So the next thing is ‘supported lodgings.’”
“Supported lodgings?” I did my parrot impression again.
As we drove along the seafront, I got pretty excited about suddenly being in control of my own life. Am I going to live near the sea? I hoped so. The sea means freedom. Its power is eternal, I love the sea. Maybe my love of the sea came from my dad. He was a merchant seaman in his younger days so maybe it was in my blood. One day I’ll go to sea and maybe work on the ships. But then I thought, Maybe not. As much as I loved the sea, I had a more than a healthy respect for it. I wouldn’t even swim in it. The strength of the waves and the current and the thought of sharks scared me.
We pulled up outside a large terraced house. It had four floors and each window at the front had a balcony. I was pretty excited, Wow! This could be good, especially if I get a room facing the sea. The row of houses on the seafront all looked the same. They looked like something off a postcard, all perfect and all staring out over the ocean.
As we got out of the car a sharp sea breeze hit me. The smell of fish and the noise of people on the beach, kids running around having fun, I found it all captivating. It was half-term at school and the beach was busy. I felt like I was arriving on holiday. This is brilliant, I thought to myself. It certainly doesn’t feel like a punishment. Is it meant to feel like one? Will they be giving me a taste of the good life then snatching it away? What is “supported lodgings” anyway?
We made our way up the steep front steps then walked around the path to the side of the building and to the side door. A tall, blonde woman answered the door bell. She had a baby resting on her hip. It was busy grabbing her hair and trying to stuff it in its mouth alongside the dummy that was already getting sucked the life out of. The baby looked at me and made a few noises. It gave me a big smile and dropped its dummy onto the pavement to reveal a mouth with no teeth and a little gummy smile.
Sweet kid, I thought and smiled back.
“My name is Evie and this is my home,” she said bending down to pick up the dummy. She walked back inside beckoning us to follow. The ceiling seemed to go up forever, it was so high. The carpet was red and fluffy and the sort you could sink your toes into. It brought back memories of my real mum sitting on the landing.
She walked into the kitchen and pointed towards the big wooden table.
“Have a seat,” she said as she walked over the other side of the room and put the baby into a playpen. It immediately started banging toys and making lots of noise. Evie looked tired and gave a huge sigh as she put the kettle on.
“I expect people here to have respect for one another,” obviously aimed at me.
“Are you talking to me?” I enquired.
“There’s a list of house rules that everyone is expected to follow. If you don’t follow them then you’re out, no second chances I’m afraid.” She looked at me and handed me a sheet of paper.
I shrugged my shoulders and did my very best to keep my mouth shut. I could see Albert cringing, probably hoping I didn’t blow it before I had even seen my room. She shouted for a guy to come and watch the baby while she showed me around. She led the way around a maze of stairways and corridors.
This place is like the tardis from Dr Who, I thought. It was huge inside, a lot bigger than it appeared from the outside. Two floors up and around several corridors was my room. She opened the door and stood aside so I could go in. It was very basic and small in comparison to my last room. It had a single bed, a dark wood single wardrobe with built in drawers and a small matching dressing table with a table top fridge.
“You get four slices of bread and one pint of milk a day,” she said. “That way if you blow your money you won’t starve.” She smiled at me. The best thing about the room was that it was at the front of the property. I had a small balcony, not big enough to go out onto really but I had a full view of the sea from my room. Wow, I thought, what a view!
“Well?” she asked.
“I am very happy with it,” I replied.
“Good, good, then let’s move on and see the rest.” She walked out of the room and led the way around the house showing me a shared bathroom, the toilet and then a shared communal kitchen and lounge.
“There are eight people living here,” she said to Albert. “Abbie will be the youngest. Elvin is the eldest at 18, but he’s moving out in a few months.” She waffled on about rules and respecting privacy and the like and handed me the key to my room together with the key to the front door. I was to use the front door only as the side entrance was hers. “I’ve got work to do,” she said. “I’ll let the two of you settle.”
Albert handed me £80.
“This is to tide you over until you start getting your dole money. Don’t blow it, it’s for food.” He arranged that he would come by once a month to check on me then walked out of the door,
“But when. .?” I called after him.
He turned to give me some explanation.
“You wanted your independence Hun,” he said sarcastically whilst grinning, “Well, now you’ve got it, let’s see what you do. Don’t BLOW IT!”
I think it was the most authoritative thing he ever said to me. It almost made me giggle. Albert couldn’t argue his way out of a paper bag, I thought, never mind get all tough now!
“I will see you in a few weeks,” he called up to me as I waved to him from my balcony.
Chapter 23
I’d heard of dole money, but I didn’t really know what it was or how it worked. I’d figure that out when I had to. But one thing was sure, I felt rich with £80 in my pocket to do with whatever I wanted. I can honestly say it was the most money I had ever held in one go that had been given to me honestly and not stolen. Evie said she would take me to the supermarket and show me around the place tomorrow, but for tonight it would have to be fish and chips.
I wandered up the seafront, taking in all the sights and sounds. It was getting dark but the lights from the arcades lit up the night sky making it a Technicolor evening. The sound of fruit machines and music from cafés filled the air. It was a magical moment and I could hardly believe my good fortune. To hell with the children’s home, this is living.
It didn’t take me long to spot the scooters parked outside one of the arcades. It was Margate after all. Nervously, I walked up to the arcade peeking in the window as I neared to see if I knew anyone in there. I recognised no one but just as I reached the end of the arcade, I noticed a couple of scooterists playing pinball. There was a girl sitting on the edge of the car racing game. I could tell she was not impressed with what the boys were playing. She was more interested in her shoes, pointing and putting her foot in different directions.
Maybe they’re new, I thought. I don’t know where the bravery came from but I walked into the arcade, past the noise of the arms being pulled on fruit machines and people playing Space Invaders. I walked straight up to the girl, smiled and said, “Hi, I’ve just moved here. Is there anywhere to go in Margate in the evening.”
She looked me up and down and then smiled back. “Yeah sure, hang with us a while and we’ll show you around.”
That was the first time I met Lilly. I think she was pleased there was another girl on the scene. I spent the evening with them hanging out on the seafront and making arrangements to meet up the following day. I made my way back to my new digs relieved. At least now I knew someone in Margate. I had found a fellow mod friend here, someone who I sensed was going to become a close friend as we’d hit it off straight away.
Outside my room was the promised bread, wrapped in cling film and beside it was a small carton of milk. I carried it into my room and put it into the fridge. The fridge looked pretty stark with just milk in it.
I unpacked my things and sat on the end of the bed listening to the sounds of my new environs. I didn’t have a TV or a radio so I just sat there for what seemed an eternity. I could hear the traffic on the seafront, people giggling and walking by eating their candy floss. I stood up and went over to the window. Leaning on the wall I looked out and watched. I could see the multi-coloured sky from the arcade lights and people walking up and down the beach. I couldn’t believe how busy it was at night. How will I sleep through this noise? I thought to myself. So I went for another look around the house and found the shared kitchen. There were a few guys in the sitting room. All got up to come and say hello. I was a bit shocked by their friendliness. They must have thought I was stuck up or something, as I didn’t really have much to say. I made a hasty retreat to my room.
I threw myself onto my bed and just lay there listening to the sound of traffic. Is this my new life? Am I here forever? I wondered what Dave was doing? What about Alex, Dad and Maggie? Not that I cared really. They obviously didn’t care about me or I wouldn’t be here. I wondered if Albert would tell them where I was. My mind wouldn’t stop working. It was going round and round thinking about my life and how I really didn’t have anyone I could trust anymore, apart from Albert. I didn’t even have any pills to help me sleep. That was something I needed to work on the following day. I made a mental note. Drugs.
Albert rang saying that Dave had been trying to get in touch and left his address for me. I took the opportunity to write a letter, telling him that I felt it really wouldn’t work anymore. Because of what he had done, I felt lied to and cheated on, that he had deserted me in Leicester and how it had made me feel inside. I told him I was on my own now with my own place. I had no one and it was best left that way. I didn’t want to drag him down with me. I told him how I was bad news for him and that he should just move on. I guess I sounded pretty heartless. I didn’t have anything nice to say, not after what he did to me, leaving me to the police.
I wasn’t really on my own in the house, I still had to abide by the rules. In my world there aren’t any rules! I wasn’t allowed boys in my room, for example. I still had someone telling me what I could and couldn’t do, so although I had my own place, I really wasn’t on my own where I could make ALL the decisions. There weren’t any rules about times to be in. I could stay out all night if I wanted to, but I had to check in on a daily basis and sign the day book, so Evie could check that I was still alive.
Evie took me around the neighbourhood. She showed me the supermarket and the unemployment office. She suggested I continue with my education, at least until my exams which were scheduled for the following summer.
“Albert has arranged for you to go to your old school, just to do the exams. So it’s up to you if you want some help with home schooling.”
“I don’t need any help,” I said. “I’ll be fine.” What is she thinking? I can’t be bothered doing exams. What’s all the fuss over education anyway?
My fridge looked good. I stocked it with various yoghurts, packets of cooked meat, cheese, and I had some fresh juice and chicken for tonight’s tea. I had no idea how to cook really, but I guessed I was about to learn pretty sharpish. I set aside a drawer in the wardrobe where I kept packets of crisps and biscuits. I put up a few posters of Paul Weller and the Jam, as well as pictures of The Who and the Beatles. I had purchased them from a shop along the promenade. My room seemed a little more like home.
I met Lilly that night down on the seafront. There were several scooters there, all wanting to meet the new girl in town. It didn’t take long before I was a part of the group spending most of my time with them. I went to parties, to gigs and on all the scooter rallies and weekenders I could get a lift to. Evie didn’t mind the weekenders as long as I told her I was going and when I would be back. I couldn’t do enough partying. Most of my friends who lived at home required their parent’s permission, so a lot of the time I was able to go to gigs when my friends weren’t. It sort of defeated the benefit of my having all this freedom. No one else does, so what’s the point?
I spent most of the dole on going out, snacks, cigarettes and drugs when I could get them. I lived pretty much on beans on toast. Whomever I was hanging around depended what drugs I used. I tried glue-sniffing with some of my skinhead friends the year before, but I hated that. I couldn’t understand what the draw was. It made me sick and totally out of control. On top of that, the shop keepers got wise to it and started asking for ID. Other times I would take pills, never knowing what they were or what they did to you. I wasn’t really bothered either as long as they gave me a buzz and an escape.
Lilly and I became inseparable. She lived at home with her parents and younger sister and was always in trouble too. When I looked back, I probably caused most of it, pushing her to do things she wouldn’t have done without me around. We became like sisters, swapping clothes and borrowing each other’s things. She was extremely kind to everyone, totally different to how I was, but that was why we got on so well. She was so easily manipulated.
Lilly was very pretty too. She had short blonde hair which she backcombed, her makeup the same as my trademark, bitch lines and white or pink lipstick. We would quite literally spend hours trailing around the second-hand shops searching for authentic 60’s clothing. There were some fantastic bargains to be had, and we always looked good. Walking down the road together we projected an air of, Don’t even bother, we’re too good for you. We strutted with an attitude, but it didn’t stop the guys looking or trying to go out with us. We were never short of boyfriends, and it was nice to be able to choose.