Chapter 9

She sat in the front of dad’s Volkswagen camper van. He loved that car and was always tinkering with this or that on it. Dad was so proud he was constantly washing it, usually with Alex in tow. It was orange and white outside with orange stretchy seats inside, the curtains where brown and cream.

Disgusting, I thought.

It looked like she was scared to get out and she was arguing with dad, her hands waving around frantically. As we peered out the window, it seemed she was pleading with him. Dad was obviously trying to calm her down. She looked over toward me and saw me looking from behind the curtain. I wish I could have smiled to make her feel more at ease, but the truth was, I didn’t want to smile. I wanted her to go back to where she came from. Who is this woman? I wondered. What is so special that dad would leave mum? And what about her kids? What about Molly, Debbie, Daniel and Kassie? This Maggie must be something!

She had shoulder length, dark brown, permed hair and pale blue eyes that sparkled with life. She spoke with a soft Welsh accent and she was slim but not skinny. Her boobs aren’t as big as mum’s, I noticed. “A good figure,” I heard nan say to Aunty Helen. She was very pretty. Her face had fine features, and I could see why dad liked her but she did seem quite shy. I was happy for that; maybe she would leave me alone.

I didn’t want to be friends with her.

Dad asked of me before he left for work, “All I want is for you to get on and be friends.”

Who is he kidding? I thought to myself. Keep me out of it. You want her, not me. You be nice.

Once inside I heard her talking with nan.

“If you love him, you will leave your kids in Scotland!” Nan screamed at Maggie.

“But they are my kids. I love them. How could I possibly leave them?” Maggie cried. I could hear her sobbing.

I expect nan was just trying to protect us, but I did feel a bit sorry for Maggie. Nan was not a person one disagreed with.

I heard Maggie on the phone with dad that night. “Get me out of here right now!” she shouted down the telephone at him, “I will not stay here one day longer, do you hear me?”

I thought whilst lying in my bed that night that Maggie deserved everything she got. Serves her right for splitting up me and my sisters. I was getting to quite like my bed. It was so warm with the blankets and patchwork quilt on top. Nan said she made it herself so it meant even more to me. I lay there thinking, if nan didn’t like Maggie, then there must be a reason. Nan was the only person on the planet I trusted. She had been the only one who understood my plight, so I would stay loyal to her no matter what.

* * *

We climbed the stairs to the flat we were looking at. It was massive. The block had only four flats with a shared garden space. Waltzing through the rooms Maggie was excited saying how Alex would have his own bedroom. I would have my own bedroom too, and her own boys would share, because they were brothers.

My room was small and a funny shape. It had alcoves all around. Dad said it should have been a library; the window was arched and opened with a lot of huffing and puffing. It was old and a bit stuck where someone had painted on the runners. “We’ll fix that,” he reassured me. But I didn’t mind. It was the first time since mum died I had ever thought of having my own room. It looked out over the garden. I wondered who lived in the other flats, Do they have kids? Will they be nice?

“It’s not perfect but it will do for now,” Maggie said. Dad didn’t look at all impressed.

Maggie put her hands on her hips and said, “I will not spend another night at your mother’s house.”

“Now Maggie,” dad said.

“We’ve been there a week, and that’s six days too long in my book. So it’s this flat, right now, or I leave! The choice is yours, Sean.”

“That’s my nan you’re talking about,” I said under my breath. She didn’t hear me.

My attitude was deteriorating rapidly, and I was getting brave. Dad was working away again and only back at weekends. I had started helping myself to Maggie’s purse. I had begun smoking and needed cash. If Maggie knew I was stealing from her, she never let on.

It was the start of yet another school for me. This time I went to school with a whole new attitude. It must have been an “If you dare” attitude, because the girls didn’t pick on me at all. My hair had grown and I started to bud out a bit, so I was looking more like a girl. I became quite popular at school, helped by the fact that I always had cigarettes and usually plenty of money to spend at dinner time when we went to the shops.

I got on well with Maggie’s kids too. They were a bit quieter than I was used to, but they were nice enough. I put it down to the fact they were nervous because they didn’t know any of us. Keith was just four years old and so cute. The older two, Gavin and Sean, were similar ages to Alex and me. I didn’t have much to do with them though, probably because I was a girl.

I remember when Maggie’s kids went to visit their dad for a day and never came back. Maggie was devastated! Her ex-husband told her that if she wanted her kids they would have to go to court and choose who they wanted to live with. Maggie refused not wanting to put her kids through that. So she left them with their dad. I expect she never stopped loving them though and, in a way, I think she felt resentment that we were there, and not her own kids. But, then again, she did often say how pleased she was she had a daughter at last. One thing is for sure though. I admired the courage it took for her to stand her ground. It must have eaten her up missing her kids and all.

We didn’t stay at the flat for long, maybe three months. Dad had been offered another job for more money, so we were to be moving houses yet again. Wiltshire wasn’t too far away. I was twelve years old had been to six schools. I wasn’t looking forward to moving again. I started the new school and surprisingly, I loved it straight away. I made friends quickly. Proud of myself, I was even getting good at making friends and that included boyfriends.

I soon had a boyfriend named Tom. I never worried when he touched me. He didn’t try to do more than put his hand up my top or down my knickers. I found it all pretty boring really, but Tom seemed to get a kick out of it.

What is it about me? I wondered. I always seem to attract people that want to touch me. My friend Lucy’s dad was no different. He would walk me home and insist on having a kiss. He would fumble around my top, breathing his cigarette breath into my mouth.

“You’re beautiful,” he would say as he kissed me goodbye each time.

I would run inside and brush my teeth. He was ugly and his teeth were stained and rotten. I could still taste him and the fags hours later despite the fact I smoked. His taste always stayed with me.

I knew Lucy was kissed that way by her dad too. I saw him go into the bathroom with her when I stayed over one night. Her mum had gone to Bingo with her friends leaving him to babysit with Lucy and me. Lucy had gone to the bathroom to get changed. She was in there a while, so I went to see what she was doing as we were supposed to be having a feast in her room. As I approached the bathroom I was about to knock and call her when I heard a whimpering cry, followed by a slap. That perked my ears and I was frozen stiff.

“Just fucking do it,” I heard her dad say in a forceful demand.

“Please dad not now, Abbie is here,” Lucy pleaded.

I heard another slap followed by, “Suck it. . . good, now lick it or shall I get your friend to do it for you?” I was scared but I couldn’t help listening through the door. It went quiet for awhile apart from a few quiet grunts and groans and whispering from her dad. Then I heard him say louder, “I’m telling you for the last time, open your fucking legs or I will walk straight into your bedroom and service your friend. Got it? She’s far prettier than you anyway.”

I knew what he was doing to her. I could hear his grunts louder and louder and Lucy crying, then all went quiet. I ran to my bed that had been made up on the floor and pretended to be asleep.

Stretching my arms up as if I had just woken up, I said to her, “Oh there you are, I must have nodded off.” What could I say? I knew what had just happened. I assumed it was probably best for now that she didn’t know I knew. I could see she was upset. It happened enough times with Uncle Joe and others for me to know the score.

Lucy’s dad started kissing and touching me a few weeks after that night. He told me that if I told anyone, Lucy would be put into a children’s home. He said she was only kept there because he liked me to visit. If I stopped pleasing him then he didn’t want Lucy anymore. She was my best friend and a bit of kissing and touching didn’t bother me really, after all I’d been through. Uncle Joe had fooled around a lot more than that and the way Lucy’s dad fiddled with my privates was no different. It didn’t seem to bother me that much. It’s what men do after all, I told myself. Isn’t it? I didn’t know any better.