Chapter 15

The children’s home was about ten miles from my house. I knew the area but not well. I watched as we passed different roads and junctions while trying my hardest to remember where we had been. We turned into a quiet lane and drove for about one more mile before turning into a large private driveway with a mini-roundabout full of flowers. The lawns were looked after as was the rest of the garden. It looked so tidy, so posh. The gardener popped his head around from a shed door and nodded hello. I just looked at him wondering what went on in his shed.

The house was massive, the heavy, wooden double doors were very impressive indeed. They had stained glass panels either side and a large brass, horseshoe door knocker. Albert rang the bell and a voice called out asking us to come in.

The woman in the hall was up a ladder putting a light bulb in the fitting on the ceiling.

“If you want something done, do it yourself,” she called down to Albert. “Staff are bloody useless here.” She jumped down and walked towards me hand outstretched to shake my hand.

Pfft! Shake my hand? I laughed. Does she think I’m a businessman or something? I offered my hand and she shook it. I don’t think I had ever shook hands with anyone before that.

“Jane is my name and I do all sorts around here including changing light bulbs. In fact, I’m pretty much a general dog’s body.” She nodded towards the light, raised her eyebrows and tutted.

“Follow me, I’ll show you around.” She led the way with purpose. I felt like she was rushing. Maybe I’m keeping her from doing other stuff, maybe changing more light bulbs? On we marched room after room, “This is the dining room,” she said. pointing through a doorway. There was a table laid with ten places. Ten kids?

“Oh great that’s all I need,” I murmured to Albert.

He smiled and said, “Behave,” in an attempt to sound authoritative.

“Where do I sleep?” I questioned Jane.

“Right at the top of the stairs,” she said as she led the way into what looked like the attic. She told me how I had been given my own room because I was one of the oldest there.

Too right, I thought as we climbed three flights of stairs. Do they really think I would share? The room next to mine was shared by twin sisters six months younger than me. The rest of the kids slept on the floors below. We had our own fire escape in the attic which was a metal staircase attached to the outside of the building. My room had views over the back garden with nothing very exciting to see. Unless you like looking at huge fern trees, I thought. They seemed to have been planted there to prevent neighbours from being nosey. The adjoining properties were totally hidden from sight.

Nothing really exciting to do here, I thought as I turned my attention to my room. A single bed along the wall near the window gave me something to kneel on as I looked out. The bed wasn’t made, but it had a pile of sheets and blankets neatly folded at the bottom end. A cream dressing table sat on the facing wall with a small, delicately carved vanity mirror. A wicker chair sat in the corner with a red cushion. There were several pictures on the walls, pictures of puppies and kittens and a forest scene with rabbits. The wall near the door had a full length mirror. I surveyed myself checking out my hair and makeup as a voice beckoned Jane. We made our way back downstairs.

Out of what looked like an office came a young woman about 25 years old. Introducing herself as the manager of the home, her name was Elsie. She stood there and lectured me about house rules, at which point I turned and began walking away.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she called after me. Following me, she tried to grab my arm.

“Get the fuck off me!” I screamed in her face, snatching my arm away. “If you touch me again you’ll be fucking sorry.” I threatened her and meant it. Who the hell does she think she is?

“Let’s try again,” she said. “You’re obviously upset.”

“Upset? Upset? You don’t know the fucking half of it,” I said with a lump in my throat. I wasn’t about to feel sorry for myself, especially today. I didn’t normally so why start now? I pulled myself together quickly so the tears didn’t come. I couldn’t remember when I last cried, but even then, it was crocodile tears not real ones.

“Come on Abbie, calm down,” Albert butted in.

“Abbie, please can we try again?” Jane looked at me pleading and trying a different tactic. It was enough to make me pause and think. I followed her back into the office.

“If all you want to do is lecture me then don’t bother,” I said as I slumped onto a chair. She nodded and smiled. She looked over to Albert raising her eyebrows as if to say, We’ve got a tough one here haven’t we? “Okay then, let’s just try one or two rules today shall we? No fighting here and curfew is 9:00 pm.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I laughed. “I’m not a baby you know. If you think I am coming in at 9:00 pm you’ve got another thing coming.”

I couldn’t be bothered to argue. I was tired and upset, so I shrugged my shoulders and said I would try just so I could get away. But I wouldn’t promise anything.

Albert stood up as if to leave. I followed him to the door where he handed me a pack of cigarettes and a £5 note. He promised to go straight to the barracks and leave a message for Dave telling him where I was.

“Don’t forget,” I called after him.

“Don’t worry. Just you behave,” he winked and smiled back at me.

As I watched him get into his old red Beetle, I knew once again I was alone. I asked Jane where I could smoke and walked out into the garden where I sat and stared into space. I wondered if my dad had ever really cared about me, I mean really, truly cared.

A yellow minibus pulled into the drive. I watched as kids jumped off laughing and looking really happy. Two older girls got off, both had skinhead haircuts. They are having a fucking laugh, I thought to myself. I’m a mod and they put me in a kid’s home with skins? Do they want to see fights or something? I thought to myself remembering the grief I went through with Sheila.

I walked further away down the garden to plan what to do next. I didn’t know exactly where I was or how to get hold of Dave, so I thought I had better wait until Albert got hold of him. Then we could sort everything out together. The skinhead girls followed me up to the end of the garden, and I readied myself for a fight. They approached me and asked if I had a spare fag?

“You have got to be fuckin’ joking!” I replied sarcastically.

“We don’t want trouble,” they said, one girl holding her hands up as if to surrender.

“We’ve got to live together so let’s just try and get on shall we?” She was pretty smart really. I wasn’t in the mood for trouble.

I felt like I was sinking, like the whole world was swallowing me up. I offered the girls a cigarette, lit it for them and then sat and listened while they told me their life story. Their parents were killed in a car crash and they were waiting to go into foster care. I told them I had been dumped by my dad and his new girlfriend. They thought I was pretty cool to get into so much trouble at my age.

I had them eating out of my hand. They explained that despite the image, they never had the nerve to do the kind of things I did. I began to like them even though they were skins. It felt good to have someone look up to me.

Dinner was served in the dining room, which was full of kids ranging between eight and 15. With the exception of one boy, I was the eldest. I wasn’t very hungry and left most of my dinner even though it was my favourite, Bangers and Mash. I went to my room but as yet, I had no clothes to change into. They had offered me some, but I told them I wouldn’t be seen dead in them. Albert said he would fetch some from Maggie and deliver them tomorrow. I lay on my bed and wondered what I had done to deserve this? Why me?

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t feel sorry for myself in that sense, but I was left wondering where it had all gone wrong? I had only just figured out what I went through as a kid wasn’t normal. I wasn’t really a bad person. I just wouldn’t allow myself to be good. It was some kind of self-preservation thing. I enjoyed the attention I got from being a rule breaker. It was my way of fighting back at the treatment I received as a child, unlike Alex, who did his best to hide his emotions.

When I woke up it was light, and there was a knock at the door.

“Get up, come on, wakey wakey,” I could hear the voice banging on all the bedroom doors, one after another. I threw the covers off. I hated everything and I was in a bad mood.

“I’m sick of this fuckin’ place already! I’m sick of people making me do things and I’m sick of my shit fuckin’ life!” I screamed.

I looked up into the mirror as I passed. A voice in my head yelled at me, it was mum telling me all over again. “You’re Ugly!” My fist flew at the mirror and it shattered. Little shards of glittering glass flew around me to the floor. The razor sharp pieces cut my skin and my knuckles were bleeding.
“Why can’t I just die?” I bellowed at the top of my voice. A line of blood trickled down my arm. I threw my fists into the wall causing the pictures to shake.

It hadn’t taken long. Once again I was back into my world of hatred and pain. Almost every day I slipped back to my childhood, when my stepmother tortured me for fun and did her upmost to destroy my spirit. From the moment I left the Court and arrived at the kid’s home, the feelings of rejection and loneliness built inside of me. My tantrum was the anger coming out. It felt like I had hit rock bottom. I could feel the pain and violence whenever I thought about Sue as if it was yesterday, and I knew that the feelings of anger raging inside of me were because of her.

Looking back, I saw fists coming at me, blood dripping from my nose and ear. She walked patiently around me waiting for me to break down. It was her game. Whenever I spoke of my real mum I was punished. It was her way of controlling me and making me suffer. She would stop hurting me only when she got bored of it. I believed I was worthless, she told me every day. Who was I to argue? My thoughts, hopes, dreams and memories of my real mum had been totally beaten out of me. I could control it no longer. It was usually at this point that I wished I could go back in time. If I was there now, it would be her getting the beatings. I imagined myself beating the crap out of her just to let her know what it felt like.

I grabbed the bottle of perfume Dave had bought me, which Maggie had brought to the Court for me to freshen up. I slung it as hard as I could against the door. More jagged pieces of glass flew everywhere. I was shocked when it bounced straight back at me. I threw my hands up to my face and felt the glass showering the back of my hands. Apparently no-one heard the smash, because no-one came. It was my temper and it was aimed at me only. I wiped the cuts on my arm and wrist, pulled down the sleeves to hide my hands and left my room. I felt a whole lot better.

I could smell bacon downstairs and the sound of kids giggling in the room below me. It sounded like a holiday camp, but I had already figured it wasn’t. It seemed that every day there were different staff. I learned there were several shifts. Some I got on with and others I didn’t, but for the most part we ignored each other.

It was at least five days before Albert arrived with some clothes. Apparently he had been ill. I wore the same two sets of clothes for almost a week. Apology or not, I wasn’t impressed and let him know it. Dave had been sent on a last minute exercise with the army the day after I arrived at the children’s home. A sigh of relief, That’s why he hasn’t been to visit me. He was due back in three days and would come and see me then. Albert didn’t stay long, but gave me more cigarettes and more money in case I ran out while they were sorting out my pocket money allowances.

The days dragged. I would have to start back at my regular school on Monday. They would drop me off in the van and collect me. Part of my care order was education, and so I had to attend school as part of the deal. If I don’t go to school I’ll never come off this damn “Ward of Court” crap, I thought. I was not looking forward to school! I hadn’t been there for over two months. I really couldn’t be bothered with all the catching up or the constant explanations as to why I had been absent.

I sat in the garden smoking and heard that familiar sound, a bit like a hairdryer, and my ears perked. Dave! I ran around to the front of the house and saw him pull into the drive. I had never been so happy. He was all I had. Even my own brother hadn’t bothered to ring me or find out how I was doing. But I knew I could depend on Dave. I ran over hugging him so hard. I knew it was totally not cool to do that in public, but I couldn’t resist. I was bursting with excitement!

I turned back and saw the employees watching out of the staff room window as Dave arrived and got off his scooter. He was 17 now and I knew they didn’t like the fact I was seeing someone older. One lady came out to remind me of my curfew as I hopped on the scooter and we pulled away.

“Where to my lady?” his Yorkshire accent yelled above the roar of the engine.

“Anywhere but here. How about the beach?” I shouted, hugging him tight. I could smell him through his coat, and it was wonderful just to smell something familiar.