HAROLD J. PUMPERNICKEL
Freddy and Howie ran from the library back to the school, where a long line of students were waiting to enroll in the science competition. As the two boys took a place at the end of the line, someone bumped Freddy hard from behind. He turned to see Adam Spanker standing there with a nasty grin.
“Hey, Funky, don’t tell me you’re entering the science competition! It’s for people with real brains.”
Howie yelled back, “Freddy has more brains in one of his butt cheeks than you have in your whole body.”
Adam balled up his fists.
“Watch it, Adam,” warned Freddy; “there’re teachers all over the place.”
Adam stuck a big finger in Freddy’s chest. “Yeah, well, there won’t always be teachers around, Funky.” He looked past Freddy and his face brightened. “Hey, Harold.”
A skinny boy with orange hair joined them. Harold J. Pumpernickel was the only kid in school who might possibly be smarter than Freddy Funkhouser.
“What’s happening, Harold?” said Howie.
Harold said shyly, “Hi, Howie. Hi, Freddy.”
Adam grabbed Harold around the shoulders and pulled him close. “Hey, no being friends with the enemy.”
“Are you entering the competition, Harold?” asked Freddy.
Adam snapped, “We’re entering the competition, right, partner?”
“Um, that’s right,” answered Harold quietly.
Freddy stared at them, dumbstruck. “You’re partners?”
“Not just partners,” announced Adam gleefully, “but we’re going to win too, aren’t we, Harold?”
“I suppose we have as good a chance as anyone,” he said politely.
“Oh, yeah?” said Howie in a confident tone. With all the teachers around he was feeling a lot braver than usual. “News flash — WE’RE going to win.”
“Ha-ha,” said Adam. “That’ll be the day.”
“We will too win,” insisted Howie.
“Well, if you’re so sure, why don’t we make a little bet?”
“What kind of bet?” asked Freddy nervously.
Adam said, “If I win, Funky, you have to come to work at the Patty Cakes for a whole month, without pay, and you have to do everything I tell you to do.”
“And if I win?” said Freddy.
“Not a chance, but then I come to work at the Burger Dump for a whole month.”
“It’s the Burger Castle” cried Freddy.
“Whatever. So, is it a deal, Freddy the Freak?” Adam held out a huge hand.
Freddy hesitated, eyeing Adam and then Howie, and finally Harold Pumpernickel.
“What’s the matter? Are you scared to bet’cause you know you’re going to lose?” sneered Adam.
“Of course he isn’t,” said Howie. “He’s just thinking about what stupid costume he’s going to make you wear when we win, right, Freddy?”
Freddy got a stubborn look on his face. “Right, Howie.” He shook hands with Adam and then yelped as Adam smashed his fingers together in his grip.
“Boy, I can’t wait for this contest to happen, Funky. You’re going to look really cool in a Patty Cakes uniform taking the garbage out. And without you there to help out, that ratty place you call a restaurant will go out of business.”
Freddy’s eyes popped. “Hey, wait a minute.” Then he suddenly noticed that lots of people in line were listening intently.
“You already shook on it,” said Adam quickly. “If you try to back out now, everybody will know that you’re nothing but stinking, yellow-bellied chicken scum.”
Howie yelled, “Well, he’s not backing out because we’re going to beat your tiny brain out.”
“So long, Funky,” crowed Adam, ignoring Howie’s taunt. “We’ll get you measured for the Patty Cakes uniform real soon.”
Harold waved feebly to Freddy and Howie and left too.
As they walked off, the crowd around them disappeared. But then Nancy came flouncing by in a pair of fake leopard-skin pants, brown galoshes, and a pink scarf that went down to her knees.
“Hey, I heard about your little bet with Adam,” she said.
“Did you come here to back us up?” said Howie eagerly.
“No, I came here to tell you you’re going to look pretty stupid in a Patty Cakes uniform.” She blew an imaginary kiss at Freddy. “There’s a sucker born every minute.” And she flounced off.
Freddy yelled after her. “Hey, the circus doesn’t come to town for another month, Nanny Boo-Boo, so you might want to put your clown suit away.” He’d called her Nanny Boo-Boo when he was little, and still did to make her mad.
She turned back around and said in a baby voice, “Aw, are Fweddy-weddy and Howie-cowie so scaredy-waredy of looking stupid-wupid?”
A bunch of nearby students started howling with laughter.
Freddy turned beet red. “Just wait, Nanny Boo-Boo, I will too win and then we’ll see who looks stupid.” He added under his breath, “I’ve got just the thing to take care of you.” But when he looked over at Howie he didn’t look very confident.
“What’s the matter?” asked Howie.
“What’s the matter? What’s the matter! If I lose I have to work at the stupid Patty Cakes and do everything that lunkhead tells me to. For crying out loud, Howie, why’d you say I’d do it?”
“Since when do you listen to me? Besides, you said you weren’t afraid of Adam in a competition of brains.”
“He’s not the brain I’m worried about. It’s Harold.”
“But Harold’s not as smart as you.”
“We’re actually pretty evenly matched. But don’t worry, I’ll think of something.” Freddy checked his watch. “Omigosh, we have to hurry or I’ll be late for work at the Burger Castle. And after that we have to sneak into Stewie Spanker’s office.”
“But, Freddy, we were pretty lucky they didn’t see us last time. How are we going to do that without them spotting us?”
Freddy smiled knowingly. “I have just the thing, Howie. Come on, let’s go.”