THE STAR OF NANCY
The next night after the restaurant closed, Alfred Funkhouser was putting on his jacket when Nancy walked up. He did a double take because his daughter was dressed in a long gown, pink flamingo sunglasses, and a tiara.
“Father, have you seen my darling little brother, Frederick?” she said in a perfect British accent.
He looked at her, stunned. “Frederick? Uh, are you feeling okay, dear?”
“Fine, why?”
“Well, I’ve never heard you call Freddy anything, well, anything really nice before.”
“Father,” she said haughtily, “whatever do you mean? I’ve always held my dear sibling in the highest regard.”
“I see. Um, that costume.…?” He looked pointedly at her outfit.
“Well, now that I’m a Broadway star, Father, I must dress the part, mustn’t I?”
“A Broadway —”
Nancy interrupted. “So do you know where Frederick is?”
“I think he went into the basement to do something.”
Nancy strutted off, taking imaginary bows to imaginary audiences. Alfred shook his head. He did that a lot with his two rather unique children.
Freddy, the Fries, and Howie were standing inside Finklebean’s secret lab.
“Okay, guys,” said Freddy, “Here’s the list of items in the plans that we’ll need to build the time travel machine, plus some others that I came up with. We’ll take anything useful that we find here.” He eyed Wally. “Just don’t drink or eat anything.”
“Right, Freddy,” said Wally. But behind his back the purple Fry crossed his fingers.
The Fries fanned out. All at once they started pulling off covers and looking in drawers and up on shelves for the items on the list. But after a half hour they had only assembled a few pieces.
Freddy looked at the small pile. “Well, we’ll just have to get the stuff we need from some other place.”
Theodore was also looking at the plans. “That might be a long list,” he said.
“Yeah, Freddy,” said Howie, “and we have to get going on the science project or else you’ll lose the bet and have to wear that stupid Patty Cakes uniform.”
Freddy looked at his friend in exasperation. “Howie, don’t you get it? The time travel machine is our science experiment.”
Howie’s jaw dropped at this news, and then he snapped, “I knew that. What, you think I’m stupid or something?” He stuffed three cheese cubes in his mouth and chomped on them in a huff.
They gathered up everything they had collected and left the lab. On the way back down the passageway they ran into Nancy in her crazy costume.
“Oh, Frederick,” said Nancy in her exaggerated British accent, “I simply must speak with you about the theater project.”
“Theater project?”
“Yes, you know, the one you’re building down here for me.”
Theodore pinched Freddy on the arm. “Oh, theater, right,” said Freddy.
“I was thinking that right over here would be a simply wonderful place for the marquee,” she said, pointing to one of the walls. “My name, of course, will be in lights. Nothing too large. I am amodest superstar after all. I’m thinking just three-or four-foot-high letters.”
“Three or four feet!” cried Freddy.
Nancy put her arm around her little brother. “Now, we need to talk about my dressing room. I want a very large star on the door, of course, and then a small kitchen and a fireplace and lots of closet space. And a telephone. For all those major interviews,” she said. “And also the press conferences and the occasional meeting with some incredibly lucky member of my fan club. And a salon, where I can entertain after the show. Nothing too grand, only enough to hold a few dozen people.”
“A few dozen!” said Freddy, his eyes bulging.
“I’ve drawn up some sketches for what I think the Nancy S. Funkhouser Imperial Theater and Museum should look like.” She handed him a thick sheaf of rolled-up papers.
“Theater and museum?” asked Freddy. “What museum?”
“Well, my public will want a place where they can see costumes I’ve worn in various award-winning plays, as well as signed copies of my marvelous scripts. We can sell T-shirts, baseball caps, coffee mugs, and assorted other memorabilia, all with my picture on them, of course. I have an entire marketing campaign put together to ensure that the Nancy S. Funkhouser Imperial Theater and Museum will be the world’s most popular vacation destination.” She snorted. “Disney World will be a distant second.”
Freddy wanted to say something — actually, he wanted to scream — but nothing would come out.
“Frederick, I can see that you’re positively speechless about my grand ideas, and who can blame you, you adorable little unimportant person who’s attached himself to my star coattails.” She pinched his cheeks. “Well, I must go. I have millions of things to do. Ta-ta.” She blew them all kisses and swept away.
Freddy finally looked over at Theodore, who smiled weakly.
“Well, you must admit, Freddy, the young lady does have a vivid imagination,” commented Theodore.
“She’s a total nutcase!” cried Freddy. “Okay, let’s go, guys,” he said miserably. “We have a science competition to win.”