LYDIA THE LUNATIC
The Funkhousers had a very nice visit with the Pumpernickels. Harold told his family how Freddy and his friends had helped him, and Mrs. Pumpernickel was so grateful that she went into the kitchen and made them some cupcakes from her special recipe.
Alfred Funkhouser proclaimed them the best he had ever tasted. The Fries had to stop Wally from eating them all.
“Please,” he moaned, “I just want a few hundred more.” The Pumpernickels chuckled at the very odd-looking woman in a polka-dot dress with big red hair.
Alfred Funkhouser spent quite a bit of time talking with Mr. and Mrs. Pumpernickel. After they left, Freddy asked his dad what they were talking about, but Alfred just smiled.
The next day after school Freddy and the gang all met at Freddy’s lab. After looking over the plans and checking the things they had gotten from Silas Finklebean’s laboratory, Freddy studied a checklist he and Theodore had prepared.
“Okay, here are the things we still need for the time travel machine.” He split the list in two and handed half to Si and said, “You, Meese, and Curly try to get these things.” He handed the other half to Ziggy and said, “You and Wally see if you can get these things.”
The Fries studied the list.
“Uh, Freddy,” squeaked Ziggy, “where do we get this stuff?”
“Try the hardware store. And Si and Meese and Curly can go to the junkyard that’s over by edge of town. Just do the best you can. Theodore, Howie, and I will stay here and get to work.”
“Sounds like an excellent stratagem for ultimate success, Freddy,” commented Theodore.
“Yeah, and what you came up with might just work too, Freddio,” added Wally.
Twenty minutes later, Ziggy and Wally entered the hardware store. They were both dressed in their disguises. The store clerk behind the counter stared at Wally. The purple Fry’s large size would have made him stand out anyway. But in his polka-dot dress, red wig, and high heels, he was impossible to miss.
The man’s gaze went from Wally to tiny Ziggy, whose black hair styled in a bouncy pompadour was in sharp contrast to his very pale skin. His jeans, plaid shirt, and tennis shoes — though the smallest Freddy could find — were too big for him, so he looked even smaller than he actually was.
“Are you a midget?” the store clerk asked Ziggy.
“No, I’m ZIGGY!” He yelled the last word so loud the air blowing out of his mouth knocked the store clerk’s toupee off, and it flew into Wally’s mouth.
Wally swallowed and then gagged. “Hairball,” he croaked. The clerk had not noticed that his hair was missing. He just stared, dazed, at Ziggy.
Ziggy looked embarrassed, cleared his throat, and said in a squeaky voice, “Sorry about that.” He pulled out the list Freddy had given him while Wally stared at shelves filled with absolutely nothing that was edible, though that never stopped the purple Fry.
“What cool stuff!” Wally said, his tongue hanging out at the dozens of cans of paint on the shelves.
“Here’s what we need,” said Ziggy, handing the clerk the list. The clerk was now staring at Wally.
“Hey, didn’t I see you on TV?” asked the clerk.
Wally spun around and looked very happy. “Me, on TV?” He batted the long, fake eyelashes that were part of his disguise.
“Yeah, you’re one of those professional lady wrestlers, right?” He snapped his fingers. “Now I remember, you’re Lydia the Lunatic. You know, you come out tied up in a straitjacket with drool coming out of your mouth.”
“I’m a good drooler,” said Wally. “Ask anybody.”
Ziggy said, “Uh, we’re really in a hurry, mister.”
The man studied the list and then his mouth gaped. “Titanium beams! Glass that’ll withstand three thousand degrees! Four thousand rivets!”
“And don’t forget the last item,” Ziggy pointed out.
“I can’t read it,” said the clerk. He pointed it out to Ziggy.
“That’s a nuclear reactor turbine,” answered the yellow Fry. “Do you have different-sized ones? I think we’ll need a pretty big one.”
“A REALLY BIG ONE,” said Wally, who had opened a can of blue paint and was sniffing it. “And do you have one in purple? That’s my favorite color of all time.”
“A nuclear reactor turbine! That’s a joke, right?” said the clerk.
“Freddy didn’t say that a nuclear reactor turbine was a joke, did he, Wally?” asked a confused Ziggy, who had no idea what a nuclear reactor turbine was.
Wally was licking the paint with his big tongue. “No, but he didn’t say it wasn’t a joke either.”
“That’s a good point,” said Ziggy as he looked back at the clerk. “Okay, you can give us a joke nuclear reactor turbine if you have one in stock. But we don’t have time to order one. So whatever you have that’s close will be just fine.”
“And don’t forget, we want a purple one,” added Wally, who had tipped the paint can to his mouth and was now drinking it.
“Hey,” exclaimed the clerk, “You can’t do that.”
Wally swallowed and wiped his blue mouth, instantly turning his hand blue too. He belched and then looked embarrassed. “Sorry, blueberries always do that to me. You wouldn’t happen to have something in a grapefruit, would you? That keeps me regular.”
The clerk looked at them both. “Nuclear reactor turbines! Blueberry paint! You two are nuts.”
“Actually, we’re Fries, but that’s a whole other story,” said Wally, who then caught himself. “Whoops, I’m pretty darn sure I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”
“Get out of here before I call the cops.” The clerk grabbed the can that Wally was holding and tugged on it.
“Give me that!” cried out the clerk.
“Okay,” said Wally, who immediately let go. The clerk went flying backward, and the can of paint landed on his head. As he pulled it off, he discovered his toupee was gone. He yelled frantically, “Where’s my hair?”
Wally burped, and something flew out of his mouth and he caught it. He handed it to the clerk. It was the toupee — which was now blue too. “It’ll go very nicely with your new coloring,” Wally said.
When the clerk saw his hair he jumped up, grabbed a broom, and started charging them.
“Oh, boy,” said Ziggy. “Come on, Wally, run!”
Wally didn’t move. “Does this mean you don’t have any grapefruit? How about the nuclear reactor thingie?”
“Get outta here!” yelled the clerk, continuing to charge with his broom. He collided with massive Wally and flew backward into the shelves of paint. As the cans cascaded down, they popped open and showered him with twenty different colors of paint.
“You know,” Ziggy whispered to Wally, “I don’t think he’s a very good clerk. Look at the mess he made.” He tore the list out of the clerk’s hand, and they raced out of the store.
“Hey, Ziggy,” panted Wally as they ran down the street. “I’ve got an important question.”
“What is it?”
Wally said hopefully, “Do I really look like Lydia the Lunatic?”