Chapter 13

Three weeks had passed by since my accident. Everyday presented itself with a new challenge. One day, I was wiggling my toes, seeing white flashes and the next day I was screaming because of the headaches. Taj and I were on an emotional rollercoaster. One I was definitely ready to get off of.

For the past couple of days, I had been having a steady visitor—Lisa Santana. Lisa had read about me in the newspapers. Lisa was from Richmond, Virginia and had come to New York to work on a documentary about female hustlers and wanted to know more about me. I resisted her initially, but it was something about her that was different—genuine. I barely opened up myself to strangers, but despite my initial resistance I had opened myself up to Lisa. I could sense that Taj was pleased that we had hit it off. Maybe I did it for him.

No matter how mean I was to Lisa she came back the next day. I had a feeling that she could relate to me more than she had led on. In the beginning, I would hear her writing down notes, but I didn‘t hear that anymore. Now it seemed that she had what she needed for the documentary. But she still kept coming back.

―Boo, you sure you don‘t want no more eggs?‖ Taj asked. ―No, I‘m full.‖
―Okay.‖
―Taj, can you lift up the bed a little bit for me?‖

―Sure,‖ Taj pressed on the button. ―Is this good enough?‖ ―Yes, that‘s fine. Thank you.‖

―I spoke to Rosa and she was gonna go ahead and make the appointment for you to get your hair done. But I told her to hold off on that ‗cause you wasn‘t doing so good yesterday.‖

―Yeah. That‘s fine. I don‘t think I‘ m up to that just yet. Does it look bad?‖
―No.‖
―The braids don‘t look old? They feel old?‖
―Nah, baby. It looks good. You know I wouldn‘t lie to you.‖

―I can‘t wait to get a fresh dubie.‖
―Soon you will be able to. Real soon.‖
I started to cough. ―Taj pass me some tissue please?‖ ―You need to sit up a little bit.‖ He started feeling my

forehead. ―Damn.‖
―What‘s wrong?‖
―I think you running a fever again. Let me go and get

the nurse to check your temperature. I‘ll be right back.‖

As Taj was walking out of the room, I heard footsteps—a woman‘s footsteps walking in the room. Her scent was familiar. The perfume she wore was familiar. It was soft and light. It reminded me of my mother. My heart began to race. ―Who is that? Who just came in?‖

The steps came closer. ―Hi, Storm. It‘s me, Lisa.‖ ―Oh.‖

―Well, gee whiz.‖
―I‘m sorry.‖
―Is something wrong?‖

―No, you have on different perfume today.‖
―Oh, I didn‘t realize you recognized that.‖
―I have to. I like to know who is in my presence.‖ ―Well, actually, I do have on something different

today. It‘s Windsong. I used to wear it a lot but I have a hard time finding it in Richmond.‖

―Windsong? I think my mother used to wear that.‖ ―Oh, really.‖
―Yeah.‖

―Well, how are you feeling
today?‖ ―A little betta…I guess.‖
―How is the coughing?‖

―I‘m not coughing as much. Well, at night I seem to cough so much.‖

―Do you think that it is too cold in here during the night?‖
―No.‖
I heard Lisa pulled her chair closer to the
bed. ―Why are you staring at me?‖ ―How do you know that I‘m staring at you?‖ ―I can feel it. Besides, your silence tells me that you are.‖
―It‘s amazing how you have learned to have you ear see for you in such a short time. Have you had a therapist work with you?‖
―No.‖
―I‘m surprised.‖
―I don‘t need no therapist. All I need is to see again. That‘s it. I‘m tired of being in this hospital. I‘m tired of being in this bed. I‘m tired of coughing…tired of everything.‖
Taj walked back into the room with the nurse. I hated the daytime shift and was hoping she wasn‘t going to come at me all rough, because I was gonna curse her out if she did.
―Yes, her temperature is up. I‘ll let her doctor know.‖
Taj poured me some water. ―Here, boo, drink some water. We gotta get that temperature down again.‖
I took a few sips. ―That‘s it. I‘ll drink some more
later. ―Maybe you need some rest.‖
―Well, I can go. I think rest is probably what you need too Storm,‖ Lisa agreed.
―Nah, it‘s okay. You can stay,‖ Taj said.
―Taj, I‘m really not tired. I thought you had to run a few errands.‖
―I do. But I‘m not going nowhere until the doctor comes and checks you.‖
―I can wait here until you get back,‖ Lisa
offered. ―You sure?‖
―Yes, I don‘t mind.‖
―Oh, okay. Thanks. Here, let me write down my cell phone number just in case you need to get in touch with me.‖
―Okay. I‘ll promise that I‘ll call you right away if anything should come up.‖
―A‘ight. Make sure that they give her some Tylenol or something to help bring down that fever. Sometimes these nurses on the daytime shift get lazy and shit and you gotta stay on them.‖
―Definitely. Don‘t worry about it. I got it.‖
Taj kissed me on the forehead and then he
left. ―How is the weather?‖
―It‘s not too bad out today. Not as cold out as it was yesterday. I think it‘s gonna go up to the thirty‘s today?‖
―That‘s what I don‘t miss. I can‘t stand the cold.‖
―Oh, no. That‘s strange. With a name like Storm you would think you love the cold weather.‖
―Everybody always say that. So tell me, how is your documentary thing going?‖
―It‘s going good. I think I just have one more young lady that I need to interview and then I‘m done.‖
―Who is the chick you need to interview?‖
―Um…I don‘t know her name off hand.‖
At my request, Lisa turned on the radio. Hot 97 was playing and Angie Martinez was talking about a Valentine‘s day concert featuring: Jill Scott, Musiq, and a few other artists whose name that I didn‘t catch.
―Valentine‘s day is coming already.‖
―I know. These holidays just come and go so quickly. I‘m telling you. It seemed like it was just Christmas the other day,‖ Lisa agreed.
―You know this Christmas was the first Christmas that I had celebrated since I was a little girl.‖
―Really?‖ Lisa seemed hesitant to ask why. ―Why?‖
―Just a lot of reasons. I don‘t even know why I brought that up.‖
―You brought it up because you wanted to talk about it. Why didn‘t you celebrate Christmas before?‖
―It‘s not important.‖
―Yes, it is.‖
―Listen what is it with you? I said it‘s not important. Now leave it alone. I don‘t know where you coming from sometimes. Sometimes you act like you a reporter, then the other times you acting like a therapist. What‘s up with that?‖
―I‘m sorry, Storm. I didn‘t mean to upset you. I just thought you might need to talk about it.‖
―Say that
again.‖ ―What?‖
―Say the part after upset me. Say that part again.‖
―What? When I said I thought you might need to talk about it.‖
―Yeah.‖
―Why?‖
―When you said that your voice sounded familiar to me. Lisa, tell me about you?‖
―What? What do you need to know?‖
―Well, tell me anything. All I know is that you are from Richmond, Virginia and that you are working on this documentary. If it wasn‘t for Taj assuring me that we could trust you, honestly speaking, I wouldn‘t even have you sitting here.‖
―I don‘t have a problem telling you about me. Where do you want me to start? What would you like to know?‖
―Start at the beginning. Do you have any kids? That kind of stuff.‖
―First off, I should say I‘m not from Richmond. I ended up in Richmond, by way of Brooklyn. I‘m a New Yorker. And yes, I have one daughter and I had one son…but he died when he was twoyears old.‖
―I‘m sorry. How did he die?‖ ―He
died of HIV complications.‖
―HIV? How did your baby catch
HIV?‖ ―Through me.‖
―Oh, I‘m sorry.‖ Maybe I should have left it alone.
―I‘m fine, Storm. Really, I am. But I wasn‘t always like this. I went through a lot to get where I am.‖
―Where are you?‖
―I‘m at peace with the things that I have done in the past. I‘ve hurt a lot of people and because of that for years, I wanted to die. I tried killing myself eight times. No matter what I did, God didn‘t let me die.‖
―God?‖
―Yes, God had a purpose for me.‖
―Listen, I told you before. That‘s your belief and everything I can respect that but don‘t come in talking about God to me. I don‘t wanna hear that crap?‖
―I understand your pain, Storm. But you have to make peace with God.‖
―I don‘t have to do anything. Were you always glorifying God? Were you singing His praises when He took your innocent baby away from you?‖
―No, I wasn‘t.‖
―How did I know that? So don‘t tell me about what I should do. You can‘t possibly know what I have been through.‖
―I can hear your pain each time you speak. You try hard to hide it but you can‘t hide it.‖
―Didn‘t I say I didn‘t wanna talk about me anymore? Why the fuck do you keep pushing the issue? Just leave me alone!‖
―Alright. I‘ll leave you alone.‖
―I mean why can‘t we just stay on the subject. I thought you were talking about your life. Not mine. How did you get HIV?‖
―I‘m not sure. I was an addict. I started smoking-snorting cocaine, then smoking crack, then shooting. I did a lot of things to maintain my habit. I‘m embarrassed to say this, but I slept with many many men. And I slept with many women. Who knows when or how I contracted it.‖
―I can‘t believe you used to do that? I can‘t see you. But you seem like you have it so together. You seem like you always had it together. What changed for you? What made you change your life around?‖
―Well, I was in this bad relationship. I mean I was always in one bad relationship after the other, but this one was terrible. One night, Pooch—that was his name--came home and just started fighting me. He woke me up whipping my behind. We fought and fought. Until this day, I still don‘t remember what he

accused me of doing. But he whipped my behind until I staggered out of the apartment into the middle of the street. Some woman came by and saw me laying in the gutter and called the paramedics.

―The paramedics took me to Chippenham Hospital. In the emergency room, there was a domestic violence advocate there at the time. Her name was Tonya Blount. Tonya was a survivor of domestic violence and had become an advocate for women and children. That night, she was there picking up another battered woman to take to the shelter that she owned. Something or should I say Divine intervention sent her to room number four. When I meant her, she shared her story with me and listening to her and the other woman that was assisting her…listening to their testimonies made me want another chance.

―I was tired. I was tired of running. I was tired of trying to kill myself only to wake up the next morning. I had hurt so many people. Especially my kids...especially my daughter. No matter how much I drugged myself up, or how much I drank, I couldn‘t escape the pain. There was no escaping the pain.‖

―So, what happened? Where is your daughter now?‖ ―Well, my daughter is doing fine now. She‘s happy. She‘s in love and she unfortunately had to take care of herself and
nothing I ever do can fix or undo what has been done already.‖ ―You moved in with the lady, Tonya?‖
―No, I moved into a shelter that she owned. Every
Sunday a driver from the church would come and pick up the
women who wanted to go to church. Every Sunday, I stayed
behind.‖
―Why?‖
―I was angry with
God.‖ ―Not you?‖
―Yes, me. But I knew deep down inside that the devil
was just keeping me from Him. The longer I stayed away
from God and the longer I stayed angry, would be the longer I
would be in bondage. Nobody could tell me how to get there.
Yes, many people tried. Many people told me I couldn‘t walk
around living the way I was. But I had to remove the
roadblocks myself. I had to let God in.‖
―When did the change come for you?‖
―Well, it was on my daughter‘s birthday. I never
forget. I always suffered from depression. Around holidays,
and birthdays it was always worse for me. Everything—all
my pain, all my problems seem to magnify. One of the women
told Tonya it was my daughter‘s birthday and they all threw
her a birthday party. That day I made a wish that I would
honor my daughter and my son‘s memory by living everyday
to the fullest and I would no longer try and take the life that I
didn‘t give myself…that didn‘t belong for me to take.‖ ―I don‘t understand why you couldn‘t celebrate your
daughter‘s birthday though. Who had her?‖
―A close friend of mine and she moved a lot so I
always had a hard time finding her.‖
―What‘s your daughter‘s name?‖
I heard footsteps and I smelled the scent of Taj‘s
cologne. I smiled, he was back.
―Hey, there. Everything okay?‖
―Yes. You are back so fast.‖

― I know. I got outside and starting wandering around. I walked to one corner and I would forgot where I was going. Then I walked to the other corner and I forget where I needed to go, so I came back here. I couldn‘t focus outside. I guess I didn‘t want to leave my baby.‖

―Taj, you gotta leave me sometime. You gotta take care of your business. We can‘t have everything falling apart. We gonna need to eat you know when this is all over. I mean the hospital bills have already probably stopped us from buying that mansion.‖

―Ain‘t nothing gonna stop me from buying you that mansion. Don‘t you worry…we good.‖
―The doctor never came,‖ Lisa said.

―He didn‘t? Let me go and curse out these damn nurses.‖ ―Calm down, Taj. I think it‘s going down. Come and feel me.‖

Taj put his hand on my forehead, then on my neck. ―I think you right. I think it has gone down some. Still though, they needed to be on their job and they ain‘t on the job. I‘ll be back.‖

As Taj walked out of the room, Lisa said, ―You got a good man there. I‘m happy for you.‖
―Thank you. I couldn‘t have made it this far without him. I don‘t know why, but he stands by me—no matter what.‖
―You don‘t know why? You have to ask? You are beautiful, Storm?‖

―Correction, I wasbeautiful.‖
―You still are—inside and out.‖
Taj came back in with a nurse. ―Here baby, open your

mouth. I got you some Tylenol.‖
The nurse then checked my temperature. ―It‘s gone down a little bit.‖

―When is the doctor gonna get here? I‘m mean what kind of shit is this?‖
―I just spoke with him. He‘ll be here in about a half hour.‖

―Well, I guess I‘ll be going,‖ Lisa said.
―Oh, listen, Lisa, thanks for stopping by.‖
―Taj, no need to thank me. It was certainly my pleasure.‖ ―Thanks, Lisa. When did you say you were leaving for

Richmond again?‖
―Uh, I don‘t know exactly. I‘ll be back tomorrow. Is that
okay?
―Yeah, that‘s fine.‖
After Lisa left, the doctor came in. Taj and the doctor
went out in the hallway corridor and spoke. Despite the
whispering, I could hear the doctor tell Taj that I had another
infection.
―What did the doctor say?‖
―Nothing. You doing a lot
betta.‖ ―Stop lying, Taj.‖
―I‘m not.‖
―Yes, you are, too. And you don‘t have to speak to the
doctor outside in the hallway every time he comes here. I‘m a
big girl. I can handle whatever is going on with me. You know
I don‘t like being kept in the dark.‖
―You just got another infection, Storm. That‘s all. They
gonna start you on some antibiotics again and you‘ll be fine.‖ ―I‘m tired, Taj. I‘m tired of this!‖

―I know you are, Storm. I know this is a lot for you. But you have come a long way. Look at where you started at.‖

―I‘m tired of hearing that story. Why can‘t I just get completely betta and go home.‖
―You will, soon.‖

The phone rang. It was Black.
―You wanna speak to him?‖
―No. Tell him I will talk to him later.‖
―Yo, she falling asleep right now. I‘ll dial your

number when she wakes up and let you talk to her.‖ ―What he say?‖
―He sound sad. I mean why don‘t you like talking to

Black? He always been in your corner.‖
―Black reminds me why I‘m here.‖
―He ain‘t have nothing to do with what Pam did.‖ ―I know that. But that whole thing. I just don‘t wanna

talk about it, Taj.‖
―Okay, baby. I‘m not gonna force you to talk about it.
When you ready. When you ready…we will talk about
everything.‖
―How‘s Madison?‖

―She‘s fine. My moms said she ate good today…she ate two steaks, and two pieces of fried chicken.‖
―Tell you mother she betta stop feeding my dog like that…she ain‘t gonna ever wanna come home.‖

I fell asleep and when I woke up, I heard Taj on his phone. I heard him giving commands in a whisper, ―Knock ‗em both off. Right now. Don‘t call me back until the shit is done.‖

―Taj what‘s going on? What are you talking about?‖ ―Nothing baby. Just taking care of some club business.‖ ―Club business?‖
―Yeah.‖
―Taj, you lying to me again. I don‘t like this. You

know I don‘t like it when you lie to me. Stop that shit.‖ ―Why can‘t you just take care of yourself? Focus on
getting betta so we can start on the life we planned. Do that
for me and let me do the worrying.‖

―What two are you talking about? The chicks that were with Pam?‖

―Storm.‖
―Tell me!‖
―Yeah and don‘t ask me nothing else ‗cause I‘m not

gonna tell you nothing else.‖ Taj tried to change the subject. ―Valentine‘s day is right around the corner. What you want me to buy you?‖

―Some new eyes.‖
―You have beautiful eyes.‖
―Eyes that I can‘t see out of.‖
―You know if I could do something about that I

would. You know if I can make this all betta I would. You know that don‘t you?‖
―Yes, I know that.‖
―Well, are you gonna tell me what you
want?‖ ―I want to go home.‖
―Ma, you know I can‘t promise
that.‖ ―Why can‘t you?‖
―We don‘t know if you gonna be okay to go home in another two weeks.‖

―If I‘ m not betta, I wanna go home anyway. We can hire a round the clock nurse, doctor and whatever else. Please Taj, I just wanna go home. I need to leave here. I feel like this room is sucking me in.‖

―Okay. I‘ll see what I can do.‖

Taj climbed into the bed with me and wrapped me up in his arms. ―What do you want?‖ I asked.
―What?‖
―What do you want for Valentine‘s
Day?‖ ―I want Storm to be free.‖

Over the next few days, I had suffered a relapse. My daily visits from Rick, Taj‘s mother, and Lisa had increased. Taj had stopped leaving me again.

Lisa and I had grown close. Somehow, she had managed to earn and keep my trust. I shared with her my story— everything--from the beginning. When I cried, she cried. Sometimes, she was inconsolable.

―Storm, I‘m gonna run out. I gotta take care of a few things.‖
―Okay, I‘ll be
fine.‖ ―You sure?‖
―Yes,‖ I said in a whisper.
―You know what? I‘m not gonna leave today. I don‘t like the way you said that.‖
―What are you talking about, Taj?‖
―You sound like you don‘t want me to leave.‖
―Taj, if I didn‘t want you to leave I would just say that. You know that.‖
―You sure you don‘t mind?‖

―I‘m positive.‖
―Okay.‖
―You didn‘t kiss me goodbye.‖
―I‘m not leaving yet. I‘m waiting for Lisa to get here.‖ ―Oh, she‘s coming today?‖
―Uh, uh. She should be here in a few minutes. And

you know we never say goodbye. What‘s up with that?‖

― Oh, I said
goodbye?‖ ―Yeah.‖
―I didn‘t even realize I said that.‖

―You want me to turn on the television?‖
―Yeah. Is cartoons still on?‖
―Yeah, it‘s just nine o‘clock. Actually its five minutes

after nine.‖

―Oh, Jimmy Neutronis on.‖
―Yeah.‖ Taj laughed. ―He‘s
on.‖ ―Taj?‖
―Yeah, Storm.‖
―I‘m ready to go home.‖

―Okay, Storm. I know if you not out by next week,

I‘m gonna take you home.‖
―I‘m ready to go home now.‖
―Storm, you too weak to go home now.‖
―I‘ll get stronger if you take me home.‖
―Storm, I have to make arrangements. I just can‘t

walk out here with you like this. The hospital is not gonna let me discharge you out in the condition you are in today.‖ I started to cry.
―Why you crying, Storm?‖
―I wanna go home.‖
―I know Storm. I promise you, just as soon as you get stronger, I‘m gonna take you home.‖
―This isn‘t fair. This isn‘t fair. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through this?‖
Taj walked over to my bedside and lifted my head and embraced me. ―I know, baby. I ask the same question everyday and I don‘t have an answer. I don‘t have an answer. All I know is it gotta get betta. It just gotta. I wish it were me laying here like this. I wish that it were me.‖
I touched Taj‘s hands. ―You need a
manicure.‖ Taj laughed. ―You do, too.‖
―I need a makeover.‖
―No, you don‘t. You fine just as you
are.‖ ―I wanna dance, Taj.‖
―Okay. We gonna dance for Valentine‘s Day. I‘m gonna buy you a fly ass red dress and I‘m gonna buy me a Armani tux and we gonna dance. You know what, why don‘t we get married on Valentine‘s day?‖
―Married?‖
―Taj, I don‘t want to get married looking like this. In this condition.‖
―Why not? Why wait?‖
―Are you sure?‖ ―Yeah,
I‘m sure.‖
―You don‘t wanna wait. I‘m gonna get betta, Taj.‖
―No, I know that you are gonna get betta, but I don‘t wanna wait.‖
―Okay. Where?‖

―I don‘t know. I‘ll figure that out.‖
―Taj, what about the yacht?‖
―That‘s what‘s up. I didn‘t think of that. We will do it

on the yacht.‖
―No matter what.‖
―No matter what.‖

―Taj, I still wanna
dance?‖ ―Right now?‖
―Uh-huh?‖

―You shouldn‘t get out of bed, Storm. You are too weak.‖ ―Please. I wanna do this.‖

―Okay.‖ Taj walked over to the radio and turned it on. Bonnie & Clyde was playing. Taj immediately began to skip that CD.

―No, turn back. I wanna dance off of that.‖ ―Storm, we play that all the time. Besides, that‘s too fast.‖ ―I wanna dance off of that Taj,‖ I insisted. Taj went back that track. Then he walked over and lifted me out of the bed.

I was too weak to stand, so instead he cradled me. Taj began to sing along with the song. ―…in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend.‖

―Thank you for coming into my life,
Taj.‖ ―No, thank you for coming into
my life.‖ ―I love you, Taj.‖
―I love you more, Storm.‖

* * * After Taj and I danced, Lisa came. ―How are you today,

Storm?‖
―I‘m okay.‖
―I heard you had a rough
night.‖ ―I did. But I‘m betta.‖
―Why are smiling?‖
―Because Taj and I danced
today?‖ ―You did?‖
―Yes.‖
―That‘s wonderful.‖
―Lisa, I love him.‖
―I know that you do, Storm. You know who I met

today?‖
―Who?‖
―Madison.‖
―You did? Isn‘t she beautiful?‖
―Yeah. She‘s very friendly.‖
―Where did you see here at?‖

―Rick has her downstairs. I think he was waiting for Taj to come and get her.‖
―Oh, that‘s good. She hasn‘t been up here in a while.‖

―Oh, before I forget. Here my friend, Tonya gave me this to give to you.‖
―It feels like a CD.‖
―It is. Would you like for me to open
it?‖ ―Yes. Who is it?‖
―Helen Baylor?‖
―Helen Baylor? Who is that?‖
―She a gospel artist. I‘m sorry. Tonya doesn‘t know.‖ ―It‘s fine. Put it on.‖
―You want me to play the
CD?‖ ―Yes. It‘s fine, Lisa.‖
Lisa walked to the radio and placed the CD in it. ―Would you mind listening to my favorite song?‖
―Go ahead. You listen to this music, too?‖ ―This
music is what inspired me to keep going.‖
Then I heard this woman singing. She had a beautiful voice. ―My God is an Awesome God,‖ she sang.
When the song was done, I asked Lisa to turn off the radio.
―Lisa?‖
―Yes, Storm?‖
―Could you come here,
please?‖ ―Sure.‖
Lisa walked over to my bedside. I reached for her hand. It was her left hand. Then I reached for her right hand. On her right hand there was a scar. A thick scar, shaped like a lobster. One that I was familiar with, one I would never forget. I traced the scar and then I heard Lisa sniffling.
―Lisa?‖
―Yes, Storm?‖
―Do you think God would hear me if I spoke to Him right now?‖
―Of course, Storm. God will hear you. Speak to Him, Storm. It‘s alright baby. Speak to Him.‖
―God, I‘m sorry. I‘m sorry God. Please forgive me. And God if you hear me, could you please send my Momma.‖
―Storm?‖
―Yes?‖
―I am your Momma.‖
I turned my head, and a single tear rolled down my cheek. My breathing became shallow once again. Then I heard voices, I heard Miss LT. I smiled and then I closed my eyes.